At Dalereuth Tower, a beauty contest for large people is going to take place at the end of this tenday. The Terran sublegate of Port Chicago is said to be participating on an honorary basis.
Heavy Discussion
In related news, various residents of Darkover have been displaying their rolls of fat in public. Please, folk, some of us have just eaten.
No Inquirer Next Week
The editor of the Darkovan Inquirer is going on vacation next week. Is he going to the countryside to rest or are they finally locking the lunatic up? Inquiring minds want to know.
Escobar Etiquette
Darkover's perennial bad boy Frank Barber has shown up on Escobar and moved in with Dom Diego Storn. Remember Frank, it is not Vainwal. Keep your pants on in public.
Time Is Discovered to Be Irrelevant
Darkovan scientists recently published a treatise on the Theory of Irrelativity. In it, they point out that on Darkover, unlike anywhere else in the known universe, time does not pass at a consistent rate. What is an hour in Thendara is three weeks at Storn. A few minutes at Dalereuth might be six weeks at Neskaya. No one has yet been able to explain this strange state of existence.
CorrectionLast week we reported that Dom Piedro Aillard hadn't bathed in three tendays. What we should have said is that he hasn't bathed in soap and water. We didn't realize that the "tongue lashings" he receives were actually him being licked clean.
Measure for Measure
Danvan Hastur has set a team of specialists on the task of unifying the various Darkovan units. How long takes a candlemark? How heavy is a lobster? How many days has a year? We suggest to make the week in Thendara a few days shorter than the week in Dalereuth to resolve the time warp problem and to use a very large lobster as a unit for weighing people so the members of Dalereuth Tower can lose a few lobsters without giving up their chocolate addiction.
Charming Neskaya
Parents who feel responsible for the reputation of their daughters are advised against sending them to Neskaya Tower for training. Rhodri Castamir is back and hasn´t lost time in making the moves on pretty new trainees. Why, even womanizing Jorik Hastur isn´t that fast.
Soapy Thendara
Romantics among us were moved to tears when Erik Svensson and Bera Svensdottir met in a clothing shop this week without recognizing each other. An encounter of lost siblings is almost as satisfying as a tragic death or the victory of sweet young love. We are told that the market stalls are completely sold out of hankerchiefs, while the painters' guild has run out of pink, as it seems to be the favorite color used for the repainting of damaged houses.
Issue #148, 17 March 2001
Chieri Behaving Badly, Part II
First it was drinking and doing table dances in the Storn territory. Now, reports have come from Arilinn Village of chieri "doing" kireseth powder and getting into the pants of cadets. They have even used whiskey and speed to 'amuse' small children. What has happened to the gentle Noble Ones of years past?
Bare Facts
Julian MacAnndra, the hottest star of this tenday, was stripped naked by enthusiastic fans. We were not aware that this custom had already spread to Darkover. Surprisingly there have not been any complaints from the neighborhood. Even the older ladies were watching with interest.
Every Breath he Takes
Speaking of Dom Julian, the Julian MacAnndra Fan Club members continue to follow their hero every place he goes. Several girl have been injured while trying to put their hands down his pants. If Julian MacAnndra was injured during that process is not known, but even if he was not, what use is what’s inside those pants? He and Lady Keara will have a hard time finding room for secret meetings while his guardian angels are around.
Dr. MacDonnel and Mr. Hyde
Dr. Gavin MacDonnel, charming vet and winner of three "Thendara‘s most eligible bachelor" contests in a row, was found to have a dark second identity. Can it be true that he molests children and ruins women? Maybe the members of Dalereuth Tower should burn out his sexual centers and make him a useful and harmless laran-worker.
Singing Becomes Most Popular Pastime for Young Men
The Musicians’ Guild reports that its members cannot save themselves from requests for voice lessons. Choir rehearsals are totally jammed with young men, all demanding to get a solo number at the next concert. To the disappointment of the Commander of the Guard, the sudden popularity of everything connected with a certain cadet does not stretch as far as to provide him with cohorts of volunteers. Maybe he should allow his guards to sing during gate duty in order to make the job more popular.
The Truth Comes Out
We had long suspected that the infamous Frank Barber and Dom Piedro Aillard had grown close during the time Frank was in Dalereuth. Being a reputable paper, The Darkovan Inquirer did not print that story when it was emerging. Now we have found evidence that Frank and Piedro were close, but that the relationship soon went to the dogs.
Issue #149, 24 March 2001
Ka-Zoo
We wonder if Dalereuth tower is turning into an animals' asylum. After hosting various birds large and small, this week a horse showed up in the tower's strangers' room. The Renunciates' guild is also considering to move their zoo to the tower. Their puppy has already made the move. No wonder Dom Piedro has a headache.
Cheaper to Keeper?
We want to say firmly that there is no proof to the rumor that’s been circulating about Myria of Neskaya setting aside her crimson robes and engaging in a torrid affair with John Cowan, the Terran Sub-Legate. How do these rumors get started, any way?
Sports Center Opens
Residents of Lowerhammer were delighted when the new winter sports complex opened this week. Now they can have some real fun in the snow, instead of engaging in summer sports such as luge, figure skating, bobsledding, and snowboarding.
Good News from Escobar
Our sources tell us that Domna Fianna Ridenow-Storn has been successfully revived after undergoing a cryogenic procedure on Escobar. We hope she will make a speedy recovery so that she and Dom Diego can return to Darkover.
Rare Species Found?
Reports tell us of sitings of the rare Darkovan snow lizard around Valeron. We’re sure Domna Cristilyn Aillard is not frightened of the possibilities of encountering it. After having sex with that snake, Marcello Ridenow, how scary can any other scaly creature be?
Issue #150, 31 March 2001
A Horse of a Different Color
Dalereuth is haunted by a door-knocking horse. After delivering its rider to the tower the stallion apparently sought to take oath at the Dalereuth House of the Renunciates' Guild. Too bad it wasn’t a mare.
Guard Chaos
It is clear to every observer that the Thendara City Guard is no longer master of any situation. With many cadets ill, others claimed by their families, and some more occupied with their private affairs than with their duty, the guard was not able to prevent an enraged mob from lynching a citizen. Hordes of frantic girls crowd the marketplaces and interfere with business life. Drunkards draw steel on officers. The people of Thendara stand united in the demand that the Commander of the Guard should be sent to retirement and be replaced by a person with authority. They are not united, however, in the question who this person should be. We would like to suggest Dom Carlo Monterey, who at least has enough guts to yell at Renunciates.
Unrest in Arilinn
An enraged father has demanded that the magistrate of Arilinn village should throw out a band of travelers because they bring not only a frivolous puppet show, but also rodents, plague and promiscuity with them. When asked for proof, he explained that his daughter was lured away by the travelers with the aid of kireseth pollen. Maybe the travelers should take their show and their kireseth to Arilinn Tower, as the members of this Tower are well-known for using the aphrodisiac.
Celebration in Caer Donn
Citizens throughout the Hellers were invited to a gala celebration in Caer Donn this week as the Darkovan Inquirer marked its 150th issue. The editor was heard to say, as he cut a large chocolate cake, "And they said it wouldn’t last…"
Issue #151, 31 March 2001
Autumn Raking
Word has reached the DI staff that Auster Elhalyn of Stonehaven has returned to Darkover. Lock up your daughters, your sons, and your
livestock now! Who knows what new interests he picked up on Vainwal?
—Personals—
Handsome, dashing, fun-loving Comyn Lord looking for a suitable bride to share his Mid-Winter wedding. Only the beautiful, adventurous, laran-gifted, and fertile need apply. Charm, wit, looking good on my arm are important, fertility and the desire to have attractive children a must. Applicants should report to the Elhalyn Suite in Comyn Castle the evening of the party. The party starts promptly at sunset every night, come early to avoid the sleet.
By Royal Approvement
The whole staff was startled when it finally turned out that Dom Jorik Hastur himself relies on our paper to get information about Darkover. This should finally prove to all who have doubted before that our paper
prints only the plain truth and is reliable as the snow of the next winter.
Entertainment Tonight
Hot spot of the planet is without doubt Dalereuth. The recent opening of the 'Chez Piedro' restaurant on the uppermost floor of the Tower attracted the attention of connoisseurs of whole Darkover. Not only the excellent food provided by cook Luitbigotona, but also the unrivalled view over the Sea of Dalereuth and last but not least the entertainers Kennard and Mik, Darkover's answer to Laurel and Hardy, promise the visitor an
unforgettable experience (Reservation required). As an extra service the Tower staff offers to teleport guests into the Tower and back home to spare them the trouble of travelling for days over bad roads in bad weather. Those among us who can not afford this pricy service may contemplate to take advantage of the home order service of the 'Chez Piedro'. Your nearest Tower will be glad to place your order via the relays, and the food will be delivered directly at your home.
Fastest Eligible Bachelor
Auster Elhalyn has swept all the women on Darkover off their feet,
including his stepmother 'heinous b*tch' Judith, who is — as sources belonging to her next family tell us — normally not of the caring type. With the speed Dom Auster usually has in getting to know, seducing
and leaving his playmates, we have no doubt that he will be able to satisfy all women in Thendara and the surrounding country before Domna Judith can steer him in the harbour of marriage with a woman of her
choice.
Overindulgence
An unidentified newspaper editor was recently rushed to Caer Donn Memorial Hospital, suffering from an overdose of chocolate cake and coffee. After having his stomach pumped, he returned to work and was grouchier than ever.
Issue #152, 14 April 2001
Drive-Thru Marriage
A silver smith in Arillin has expanded his offerings with an "Instant Marriage Kit". It contains two di catenas bracelets, some flowers (made of Drytown silk) for the bride, a clean shirt for the bridegroom, and a sword point. The smith claims that these sets sell like hot cakes, though his efforts to include a Comyn Lord to perform the marriage ceremony have failed up until now.
Serial Dalereuth
The dramatic shortage of eligible men in Dalereuth has found a gruesome explanation. Their mortal remains are used to fertilize the Guildhouse garden! Several Renunciates and Tower workers revealed themselves as ruthless serial killers. We warn Dom Piedro not to return from his holiday, unless he carries chocolates and massage oil, which is said to give a slight protection from knives, acids, lava flows and other unpleasant things that seem to happen to the men of Dalereuth recently.
And Speaking of Dom Piedro…
Our sources tell us that some people claim Dom Piedro has "the magic touch" which can turn anyone who is subjected to the pressures of his fingers into a smiling, satiated mass of jelly. It must be something new. The last time Dom Piedro gave the DI editor a massage, it was nothing special. Perhaps the next time he’s in Caer Donn, we’ll try again.
Welcome to the Lonely Hearts Club
Our eyes were filled with tears when we heard about the heart rending separation of Dom Dyan Ridenow and Domna Dolorosa Leynier. Domna Dolorosa must have been in a great hurry to leave, for she even managed to conjure up a flying banshee. Leading zoologists affirm that this has to be an entire new species, for the normal Darkovan banshee cannot fly. Dom Dyan on the other hand does not seem to take his loss too heavy, for he already worries about the elegance of trainees’ robes. Dom Dyan, rest assured that these are the most unfashionable clothes to be found on whole of Darkover, with the single exception of the cowls of the monks at Nevarsin.
Birth Announcement
We have just received word that Domna Emelda Hastur’s son has just been born, or rather "decanted," in a laboratory on Terra. One has to wonder if little Lerrys Hastur, who is the result of Emelda’s tumultuous affair with a chieri, will ever take his rightful place as an heir to Hastur. Neither Lord Danvan Hastur nor the current heir-apparent, Jorik Hastur, could be reached for comment.
Cat-A-Tonic?
Gilgamesh, the feline prince of Thendara, has finally returned from Terra. His illusion that the Terrans would welcome him with a red carpet have proven to be just that—illusions. "Not a MacAran among the lot of them!" Gilgamesh was heard complaining while exiting a carry-on bag. The square in front of the spaceport and the roads towards Comyn Castle were crowded with cheering cats welcoming their prince back home. The guards may be relieved if they don't have to occupy themselves with vermin-control any more. Maybe next time they'll find an arsonist before someone innocent is killed.
Issue #153, 21 April 2001
The Runaway Bridegroom
Eric Vallonde found he did not want to try out the newly built wedding-chapel at Arilinn Tower. The runaway bridegroom is reported to be lost in Arilinn's first blizzard of this season. If he does not seek shelter, he may not have much more sense than his promised wife after all.
Ridenow Rabbits
Finally we know why the Ridenows reproduce like mad. Dom Damon Ridenow confessed that the only thing he can think of is sex. The only exception in the family used to be Alan Ridenow. Until his fateful meeting with Domna Melissa, he was occupied solely with sword fighting, but as this activity involves long, pointy things, too, there isn't that much of a difference.
Worm Your Way Out...
The committee against mistreatment of animals (CAMA) has filed a lawsuit against Neskaya Tower. The committee claims that the wurlyworms inhabiting the library of the Tower are an endangered species and should be protected instead of mined out of their last resort and then crushed. "We will organize a protest march to the Tower," a member of CAMA told us. "If they want to remove the poor wurlyworms, they at least should send them somewhere else where they can live in peace."
One Man Can Alter the World
Auster Elhalyn has arrived in Thendara, and how he has arrived! Half the merchants of the city can close their businesses and retire in peace with the money Dom Auster has thrown around. But their retirement will not be peaceful if they have daughters. Apparently Dom Auster has decided that the low breeding rate of the Comyn (except for the Ridenows, of course) is a challenge he cannot resist. We wonder how many of the girls he has taken with him to his suites on the day of his arrival are now pregnant.
No Inquirer Next Week
In our constant effort for self-improvement, the staff of the Darkovan Inquirerwill be attending training sessions all next week and will thus be taking a week off from supplying you with the best in gossip and drivel. The editor is particularly pleased to have been asked to teach one of the seminar sessions, entitled "Smart-Ass Management." After all, it takes one to know one.
Issue #154, 5 May 2001
Neskaya Tower Supports Animal-Rights-Terrorism
Apparently Neskaya Tower has provided CAMA with an effective weapon to support their further actions. Will CAMA with the threat of letting Wurlyworms loose accomplish what the Terranan never managed: Toppling Comyn rule?
Slippery Swan
Rumors have it that the once well-reputed Silver Swan has started to increase its business by serving as a love nest for unmarried couples. The services the Silver Swan offers for young lovebirds include rooms, food, baths and apparently the leasing of a menagerie of animals
for those with a more specialized taste.
Hastur Castle for Free?
Real estate agents all over Darkover are in uproar with the news that Domna Marelie Hastur wants to give away the Castle of her antecedents, claiming she needs the space. While some people wonder with what sinister matrix techniques a whole castle shall be moved around, others fear that the treasured heirloom may fall in the hands of some Terranan barbarians. Apparently, there have been offerings from people who want to turn the sacred site in a miniature golf course, a fast food restaurant or a theme park.
Yahoomatrix Strikes Again
Delays. Lost letters. Problems everywhere. Maybe the search party defending against Sharra (which has, almost incredibly, finally gotten a move
on) should change their mission and protect us all from the evil Yahoomatrix instead, for it seems to be the greater danger.
Decent Choice
A honorable mentioning for manners and integrity goes to Darren MacBride, who fills his mouth with jaco to keep it from blabbing to much. In the presence of a beautiful woman, others may have thought of something else to do with their mouths if talking is not an option.
Benefit a Success
Promoters of the Marcello Ridenow Foundation scored a success in their latest benefit. Drag queens from all over Darkover showed up in Caer Donn this weekend for a fashion contest. We have never seen so much chiffon, spangles, satin and Spandex in one place before. And the colors! Magenta, lime green, puce, peacock blue,shocking pink...we could go on and on, but we will tell you one thing—We can’t wait to see what they come up with next year.
Issue #155, 12 May 2001
Dalereuth Guildhouse Closed
Women in Dalereuth have no longer the opportunity to come to the town's guildhouse for protection. The Renunciates have recently announced that nobody shall dare knocking at their door, be it to seek shelter, attack or borrow sugar. The reason for this peculiar behavior is an important discussion about Renunciate ethics. Maybe somebody should point out to them that these ethics are about doing and not talking?
Bad Hair Day
His first haircut proved to be a tearful experience for Gwenn MacConal. Not only was he weeping when he saw his new hairstyle, but Philippe the coiffeur also. Come on, the cut wasn't that bad! And we certainly do not believe in the rumor that all these tears were shed not for the loss of a men's braid, but for the loss of another men's attribute. Philippe doesn't shave his customers down there, does he?
Wedding Bells
Dom Auster Elhalyn seems to have some difficulties in finding a wife. He throws a party, girls turn up by the dozen, emotions run high, and the winner is... Damon Ridenow! Leonie Hastur has made quite a catch with him, especially in comparison to her former fling, Dom Eric Vallonde, who is rumored to be bodily in Arilinn and with his mind in the pants of Renunciates right now. Dom Auster, meanwhile, has only his stepmother to talk to. Maybe he should go to Arilinn, too, catch some lungfever and hope for a kind woman to nurse him back to health.
Meanwhile, on Escobar...
Now let’s see if we have this straight—Dom Diego Storn and his niece Dolorosa Leynier are living in an off-world apartment with two dogs and Frank Barber, who is walking around in nothing but a bright red thong. Meanwhile, Dom Diego’s wife, Fianna Ridenow-Storn has been brought back from death but has no idea who he is or who she herself is. And somewhere in the same hospital where Domna Fianna is, there is an unawakened clone of the late Marcello Ridenow that Dom Diego has ordered made. Now you know why they say truth is stranger than fiction!
Issue #156, 19 May 2001
Dalereuth, Beware!
Citizens flee in terror as the party of Sharra-fighters has arrived in doomed Dalereuth. Nobody knows what will be left of the city when they leave. Rumors have it that Sharra's wrath is already upon Dalereuth, especially upon the Tower members, whose fires are lit every now and then. The newest trainee, Dom Gavin MacDonnel, is especially said to behave like a chervine in rut.
Storn Guildhouse, Beware!
The prize for the most unreasonable behavior imaginable goes to the senior Renunciates of Storn Guildhouse. Fearing an attack of bandits on the house, they let its doors stand wide open, allowing two of them to wander away in the wild, and instead of telling the young housebound Renunciates about the imposing danger, they merely ask them to hurry up with their work outside. Becca n'ha Kyntha wants to wait for the first housemeeting to discuss the bandits in a proper scope. We can only hope that the bandits will be kind enough to wait for the housemeeting, too.
Thendara, Beware!
Memory loss seems to be contagious. At least three people have lost large parts of their memory in the city. We would like to advise people in the vicinity to write a detailed diary and carry it always with them so they can reconstruct their past more easily should they suffer from the same fate.
Arilinn Beware!
Even tower people were called in to help stop a minor outbreak of the lungfever at Arilinn village. The Arilinn city council debates barring any travelers from passing through (or worse remaining at) Arilinn for fear of further epidemics.
Beware Down Below!
Leonie Hastur got a talking to concerning her reputation by Damon Ridenow. It remains to be seen what being seen huddled closely to that same Damon Ridenow on a balcony will do to her reputation.
The Gods Beware!>
Aldones, Evanda and Avarra were not amused when Orchideis peed on them once she had reached Dalereuth with the Sharra group. We wonder if their quest will still be met favorably by our easily irritable gods.
The Universe Beware!
An ancient Terranan poet once wrote “The grave’s a fine and private place, but none, I fear, do there embrace.” Apparently, though, the stricture does not apply to self-gratification. Many of us still tremble at the image of the late Marcello Ridenow stroking his member in the Overworld. We can only pray for restraint if he ever figures out how to occupy the brain of the clone that’s waiting for him on Escobar.
Issue #157, 26 May 2001
Animal Magnetism
Dom Julian MacAnndra seems to be very attached to charming women lately — or is it the other way round? At Dom Auster‘s bacchanal, it took three people to pry a Terranan girl off him. Maybe Dom Julian should stop shaving and washing if he wants to repel his admirers. Domna Keara Ridenow, on the other hand, should remember that there are better ways to avoid Dom Auster’s courting than causing a scene. Since days of old, has it not been the right of every Comyn woman not to be separated from the father of her child against her will? The only problem with this solution is that Dom Julian will have certain difficulties in getting Keara with child while hordes of frantic girls are clinging to certain parts of his anatomy.
CAMA Protests Again
The Committee Against Mistreatment of Animals has changed its focus from the wurlyworms to the common wormbeetle. "There used to be a healthy ecosystem in Nekaya Tower’s library," a spokesperson told us. "The wurlyworms ate the wood, the wormbeetles ate the wurlyworms, no harm in it. And now these crazed comyn extract all the wurlyworms from the library and plan to put the beetles back, condemning them to a slow death by starvation. This is outrageous!" The CAMA members hinted that a solution they might like is to feed one or two of the accused leroni to the beetles as a substitute for wurlyworms. But that would mean the beetles might get indigestion.
The Talented Mr. Barber
It seems that Frank Barber continues to misrepresent himself. Many of us were shocked to find that he was a undercover agent for the Federation. Now we find out that he has a penchant for using other people’s names when he sends messages. Perhaps he is wearing his thong too tight and it is cutting off the circulation to his brain.
Raw
We hear Dom Jorik Hastur has a sore throat. Try gargling with firi: it might not cure what ails you, but after swallowing enough of it, you’ll forget you have a problem.
Issue #158, 2 June 2001
To Be Frank...
Watch out Diego Storn! Frank Barber is trying to make time with your wife. Perhaps it’s time to give his thong a “thwang”!
Off Color
After Piedro Aillard had a fit about irregular colored matrix-stones, it appears to have all been for nothing. The irregular cover contained an ordinary matrix. Even the evidence has melted away, so nothing remains to be examined. Is it time for another migraine attack, vai laranzu?
Fashion News
Dom Piedro’s quandry over stone color has turned into a new fad. (But what else is new—Dom Piedro is such a trend setter!) Instead of the boring old blue starstones, young matrix workers display what appears to be purple, green or even pink and purple polka dot crystals lately. Of course now we know these aren’t matrixes at all, but painted pebbles of the Valeron River.
Open Up Your Heart
Damon Ridenow wants to go into counseling. For the modest charge of one sekal per session, he gives good advise and a shoulder to cry on to the burdened and sorrowful. But, dear readers, before you throw yourself in Dom Damon’s arms, consider your alternative: The staff of the Darkovan Inquirer! Write to us with all that bothers you, and we will investigate immediately what can be done about it. At least, as soon as we havewritten about your whimsical ailments, you will know what real problems are.
Bathroom Brawl
The cadets and guards of Comyn Castle sure get out of line lately. Our sources tell us that there are hardly enough rooms to clean to cover all the detentions given. Bur while the barracks, the dining halls and the baths sparkle, the cadets themselves look filthier than ever, for they prefer to bully hard-working comrades to applying some soap on their skin. Maybe their officers should start to assign more sword practice to work the extra energy out of the young men? If that does not help, they an always resort to putting drugs in the jaco.
Chaos at Corresanti
The annual convention of the Catpeople was disrupted this week. Chaos ensued when someone tossed a ball of yarn into the crowd. The conventioners were so busy trying to chase it, that they never got down to the order of business, including discussing that perennial problem: What to do about those hairballs!
Issue #159, 9 June 2001
Spacy-Time?
Loststar and the chieri are responsible for more space-time-incidents than we all knew up to now. Who and what else will be dumped on present day Darkover and who and what will disappear? Doughnuts dropping out of clear skies? Pirates disappearing?
And Speaking of Pirates...
One has to wonder while following the adventures of Jorik and Maibrie whether pirates are really enough to spice up the adventure. It’s almost enough to make us miss the erstwhile Admiral of the Fleet. It’s too bad there are no crocodiles on Darkover.
New Business Sees Profits Soar
The newly opened Thendara Business Form Publishing Company has experienced sales figures far in excess of its initial projections. It seems that there has been an excessively high demand for the new “Intent-to-Murder” forms, so much so that TBFP can’t keep them in stock.
Grave Matters
We are disturbed by recent news from Hali. Apparently, someone has been excavating in the ancient graveyard where generations of the children of Hastur have been buried. One can only imagine what (or whom) they have dug up.
Issue #160, 16 June, 2001
Ladies’ Night
While Auster Elhalyn, Thendara's most eligible bachelor of the moment, is still shopping for a wife, Leonie Syrtis-Hastur has become Thendara's most eligible bachelorette. Lord Stone Haven is reported to be sending her expensive gifts, while Damon Ridenow has been taking her for long romantic walks. Dom Damon is also reported to have fought with yet a third man for her attentions during the party in the Elhalyn Suites. Her luck seems to
be better than Lord Stone Haven's.
Puff the Magic Dragon
It seems that Dom Piedro Aillard prefers to inhale from his pipe rather that blow out and make music. His tales of dragons and other mythical beasts help us to understand why the chieri dance for him, but what we’d really like to know is what’s in the smoke that we’ve seen coming from his pipe.
Fashion StatementThe new Darkovan Fashion Museum has opened near Serrais, and we are enthralled with the fabulous display of textiles on display there, representing centuries of our culture’s couture. The show-stopper in our opinion is the magnificent peacock blue velvet full-length cape encrusted with hand-sewn pinpoint starstones which was once worn by the late Marcello Ridenow. The museum does an excellent job in reminding all of us, in these days of Terranan dominance, that our own Darkovan culture is one of which we should be proud.
A Lovely Shade of Red
Our sources on Escobar tell us that the notorious Frank Barber has even made the likes of Dolorosa Leynier blush. Quite ”frankly”, we always thought the plucky Dolo was beyond such girlish emotions. But then again, we’re talking about Frank.
Gossip? Never!
We hear that Gregori Haldar was shocked...SHOCKED...to find out that people are gossiping about him and his romantic interests. What would be even more shocking, Dom Gregori, would be to find out that no one was paying any attention, no? Count your blessings.
Issue #161, 23 June 2001
Precious Artifact Stolen From Museum
Marcello Ridenow’s magnificent blue cape that we described in last week’s issue has been stolen from the Darkovan Fashion Museum near Serrais. Museum officials are perplexed by the theft, since no other artifact was stolen. Until the purloined garment is recovered, museum officials have substituted it with another of Dom Marcello’s capes, this one of black spidersilk adorned with Ardcarran rubies.
Wanted: Paxman, Wife, Heir
While Lord Auster Stone Haven has been unsuccessful in his attempts to find a wife, he has now extended his efforts to finding a paxman and, most recently, an heir. We suggest a Renunciate if he can find one who is willing: she could fill all three vacancies at one time, though the regent may still not be pleased.
Drug Conspiracy Rumored
Our sources tell us that a certain high-born comynara who moves among the elite social circles in Thendara leads a double life. It seems that this young woman is secretly dealing in the illicit drug trade. Known in the crime underworld by the code name “Cleindori”, she is a main pipeline for obtaining kireseth for export. Apparently, her family and friends remain clueless.
Sharra Share Alike
Confused reports have reached us concerning outbreaks of Sharra worship in the Aldaran Domain. Supposedly, there was activity near Tarquil last week and now we’ve heard stories about the Chained Goddess appearing in High Crags and in Scaravel. Can it be too much longer before She stands astride Caer Donn again?
Issue #162, 30 June 2001
No Paper Next Week
The entire staff of the Darkovan Inquirer is traveling to Terra to attend the wedding of Emelda Hastur. If you know Domna Emelda, you’ll understand why there is no way we’d miss this one.
(Blood) Sports News
Auster Elhalyn is the early favorite in tomorrow morning's duel, due to be fought in the clearing outside the West Gate of the city after the sleet ends. Odds are 50-1 against the unknown Caradoc Alindair, a first-time dueller. Lord Stone Haven has been in over forty duels involving swords alone; Darkovan duelling rules do not allow for blasters, pistols, or vehicular weaponry. Most bettors are wagering on whether Dom Auster dispatches Mestru Alindair or not, but we understand that Lord Hastur has received some inside information from Lord Stone Haven on the subject.
Familiar Ring?
The earring of a certain well-known Renunciate was recently found in the tangled bedclothes of a prominent (and very married) Comyn lord. Apparently the wife, who had been out of town, went to go straighten the linens and found the earring near her pillow. We can only imagine what revenge this wronged wife will take.
Copper Shortage in Thendara
There has been an unusually high demand for catenas this winter. Coppersmiths in Thendara have been working day and night to meet the demand, and are growing short of materials. We have also learned that the few lords available to perform the ceremony in Thendara this time of year are being overrun with requests. They may have to resort to group ceremonies; some lucky man may find himself with two wives if a mistake is made. The Interplanetary Unification Church has offered to come in and assist, but so far has been refused.
Museum Scandal Continues
As if the fashion museum isn’t embarrassed enough by the theft of Dom Marcello Ridenow’s cape, they recently found out that another cape that they put on display was fake. We hope that this doesn’t prevent them from displaying the late Dom Marcello’s fashion treasures in the future. We were hoping to see his collection of spangled G-strings and crotchless panties.
Issue #163, 14 July 2001
Will the Real Men Please Stand Up?
Pity poor Ruyven Haldar who believes that a few minutes of carnal behavior makes him a "real man." Unfortunately, he must still learn that a few moments of hip gyration and a small expenditure of body fluid do not produce instant manhood.
Rumor Dispelled
It is with great relief that we note the rumors about Daimary MacAran being eaten by a wild banshee that she mistook for Ivan are totally false as are the rumors that Domna Daimary had been eaten by the sea monster near Dalereuth, that she was captured by the forces of Sharra, and that she was encased in a batch of Turkish delight in Leisha’s Sweet Shop.
Emelda’s Wedding
We are sad to report that the wedding on Terra between Emelda Hastur and her black-skinned lover was extremely low-keyed and uneventful. No one fell into the cake, no one got drunk and swung from the chandelier, and no one lifted Emelda’s skirt and cried "peek-a-boo!" They just don’t have good weddings like they used to.
More Wedding News
Of all the coming marriages, the one that is most surprising may be the one our Regent, Danvan Hastur, announced yesterday: Domna Marelie and Dom Auster are to be married at Mid-Winter.
Nevarsin Choir Status
The number of applications to the soprano section of the Nevarsin choir has experienced an unexplained increase. Interestingly enough, on the part of the form that requests former employment, many had listed "pirate". A few senior monks have expressed some curiosity, but many are simply overjoyed that these individuals have finally "seen the light" and are willing to become devout cristoforos. The midwinter choral presentations should be incredible this year.
Issue #164, 21 July 2001
Wanted: A Man
Darren MacBride likes to feel that he is needed for more things than just opening jam jars and moving furniture around. Of course he can always resort to carrying parcels, too, but he seems to miss the one and only opportunity when most women would need a man and nothing else. Maybe he should ask Ruyven Haldar for advice about manly duties.
Wedding Bells
The staff of the Darkovan Inquirer wants to congratulate wholeheartedly the numerous young couples who delight Darkover with their happiness: Domna Marelie Hastur and Dom Auster Elhalyn, who are both adults and
unmarried and therefore the ideal match, according to Lord Hastur; Domna Keara Ridenow and Dom Julian MacAnndra, who just lack a candlelight dinner for a legal marriage by sharing of fireside, meal and bed; Mestra Amalie n'ha Constanza and Mestru Gavin MacDonnel, who took a bad start, but we all know how people who dislike each other in the beginning are destined for each other; and Domna Felena Ridenow-Leynier and an unnamed pirate commander with tragic losses in his past — do we have to say more?
Snow Angels
A set of charming snow angels has spontaneously appeared near the Wall Around the World. The angels appeared after an explosion at Loststar Tower. The explosion was followed by the sound of screams; one wonders if the Tower members were killed and were making their last mark(s) on the world.
Get a Room!
A member of the housekeeping staff at Comyn Castle informs us that the Ridenows have flowed out of their oversized suites again. The Haldar
Suites are being prepared for the arrival of yet more members of the family. They may be sharing the space, however. When the maids entered the Suites to freshen up the rooms, they discovered that the fireplace and bed had both been well-used recently.
Scandalous!
The engagement of Auster Elhalyn and Marelie Hastur may already be in trouble. Our sources tell us that Lord Stone Haven has been seen all over Thendara with Javanne Alar, buying her expensive clothing and jewelry. Whichever lady gets him will be taking in a major philanderer.
Who Wears the Pants?
Our sources on Escobar tell us that Domna Fianna Ridenow-Storn has abandoned traditional Darkovan gowns in favor of trousers! Worse, she is trying to convince her niece, Dolorosa Leynier, to do the same. We fear that if these women bring this style back to Darkover, it could have disastrous, immoral results within our society. We suppose, then, that men will have to start wearing skirts.
Mistaken Location?
Young men have been spotted walking up and down the corridors of Comyn Tower discussing their sex lives. (We’re sure they weren’t discussing shoe styles!) Perhaps they were looking for the Red Sun House and made a wrong turn. Where was Ruyven Haldar when they needed him?
*****
Classified Advertisement
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Employment Opportunity
The Red Sun House, Thendara's oldest and most reputable entertainment establishment seeks a new chambermaid for general household duties. Kitchen/cooking knowledge helpful — primary duties will focus on cleaning and straightening the rooms of the house. No entertainment of guests is required in this position, and will not be allowed. Full room and board, plus stipend are provided. Please see Kyle at the Red Sun House if interested.
Respectfully yours,
Jaianne LaFiardtha
Proprietess, Red Sun House
Issue #165, 28 July 2001
Flying High
The Tower of Loststar is rumored to experiment with flying without an aircar. We wonder if their cook switched the vegetarian diet they eat
here entirely to beans, onions and cabbages, and we advise travelers to bring some perfumed hankerchiefs they can put over their noses when reaching the vicinity of the tower.
Wise Fool
So, Dom Julian MacAnndra made a fool of himself over a woman, but was wise
enough to choose a legitimate daughter of a noble house, with laran and not a bad dowry. One should think that the patriarch of the clan, Ian MacAnndra, would jump with joy over this addition to the family, especially because he gets Nessa MacNeill and her dowry, too — or does he fear that her freemate marriage to Gwennis MacAnndra won't be, well, fruitful? Still Ian MacAnndra seems to be somewhat ungrateful —maybe Dom Julian should have aimed at Marelie Hastur instead of a simple
Ridenow, to satisfy his grandfather's dreams.
The Secret in the Cellar
Now that the fighting is over, the residents of Storn Guildhouse are busy
caring for the wounded, cleaning up and cooking. But what do they propose to do about the captured man in the cellar? Leave him there to rot so his ghost may haunt the halls of the guildhouse in eternity? We all thought the Renunciates would have more inventive ideas about what to do with a male prisoner. Get out the knives, the tar and the feathers, ladies—whole Darkover waits for some justice to be done! But then again, Dom Diego will be home soon and we’re not sure about how appreciative he will be of such violence on Storn lands.
More Scandal!
Auster Elhalyn has further dishonored his engagement to Marelie Hastur; he was recently seen rolling around in the streets on top of Javanne Alar-Lanart. Perhaps this public spectacle will convince Lord Hastur to break the marriage contract before it is too late.
Lordie Lord!
It has come to the attention of the Darkovan Inquirer that several Comyn Lords are missing. Who is watching their Domains in their absence? No one seems to be at home these days. The usual Midwinter weddings have had to be postponed, since they require a Comyn Lord to officiate; the "mountain marriage" is making a comeback in the Hellers and other lands as well.
Di Catenas Divorce?
Rumors are flying that the storybook romance of Lord and Lady Storn has ended - badly. Domna Fianna is reported to have given her catena back to Lord Diego, and they appear to be going their separate ways. The Cortes in Thendara has been forced to call an emergency meeting, in the absence of the Council, to decide if a di catenas marriage can be considered dissolved if one of the parties has died and was subsequently revived cryogenically. Meanwhile, reports from Escobar tell us that Dom Diego is going around whistling an ancient Terranan tune called “If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free” while Frank Barber is arranging to put his thong collection in storage in anticipation of a colder climate.
Wedding Announcement
Loststar Tower is pleased to announce that one of their Keepers, Stefana Hastur y Ardais, was joined in marriage to First Technician Kyrrdis Hamilton. We understand it is her first marriage; the groom has been a widower for sixty years. The Aillards could not be reached for comment.
Issue #166, 4 August 2001
-->Tell Her 'Bout the Birds and thee Bees
Riona Haldar is quite an exception among Thendara’s teenagers in really being the naive child every mother wants her daughter to be. We suggest that Lady Merelda of Comyn Tower should start her lessons with explaining some of the basic facts of live to her newest pupil, before Riona starts to wonder if Dom Dyan Ridenow and Lady Linnea di Asturien share a room because of lack of space. It remains a matter of speculation if Damisela Haldar would still qualify for old-fashioned keeper training, even if she doesn't know what experience she shared with her brother.
Kitchen Outrage
Sources among the cadets tell us that the cooks in the castle kitchen wade ankle-deep in mysterious fluids, vegetable peelings and bones that cover the kitchen floor. In this slick nobody is able to walk fast or even run without the risk to stumble and fall on one of the knives that were dropped and couldn’t be located any more among the organic debris. We demand that Lord Hastur take immediate action, before any food that is produced under these disgusting conditions threatens the health of castle inhabitants or cadets, and remind him of the food poisoning that happened during the last ball.
Guess Who's Comyn for Dinner?
Security at the gates of Comyn Castle has been beefed up in recent days, but it appears to be at the cost of internal security. How else can one explain unannounced visitors being able to burst into Lord Hastur's dinner chamber at will? And from the future, no less! Perhaps Comyn Tower should be asked to provide astral barriers for the Castle as well…or maybe that’s why they’re keeping the food so bad.
New Information Center Opened
Thendara Guild House announced that a qualified counselor will give help and advice in all relationship problems. Topics covered include "How to deal with being invited to the engagement party of the man who refused to marry you", "Oathmother and Oathdaughter —Making a Complicated Relationship Work" and "Can Women and Men Really Be Friends Without Thinking of Sex?" Discretion is guaranteed. Rumors that the counselor is an undercover reporter of our paper are not true.
Living La Vida Loca
Our sources on Escobar tell us that Domna Fianna Ridenow-Storn has been—shall we say?—sampling the local pastry (or is that "pastry chef"?) on this party planet while her husband is away on business. It makes us wonder about those twins that Dom Diego’s Aldaran Gift revealed to him. If the future does come to pass as Dom Diego saw it, who’s to say those children will be Storns?
Nothing to Wine About
Wine producers in the valleys around Ancosta report a vintage year, despite the early onset of winter. While Darkovan wines cannot compare to some of the finer bottles that have been imported here from other planets, they are nevertheless a local product and buying them supports the overall Darkovan economy. Besides, after the first few glasses, you don’t notice the taste anyway, right?
Marriage Mania
Danvan Hastur's machinations seem to be paying off; this Midwinter season will be providing us with a steady stream of marriages— first the marriage at Loststar Tower, and now the announcement of the engagements of Keara Ridenow to Julian MacAnndra and Gregori Haldar to Betha MacBride. Rumor also has it that Lord Hastur will be reserving the Great Ballroom for the marriage of his granddaughter, Marelie Hastur, to Auster Elhalyn.
More Rumors
Istvan di Asturien and his family have slipped into Thendara unannounced; unnamed sources say that Lord Hastur has plans for his eldest daughter. Could it be that Carolin Lanart, heir to Lanart, is finally going to marry, whether he likes it or not? Or could Marton Elhalyn be the intended groom? Both men have waited overlong to do their duty by their respective Domains.
Speaking of Duty
We have to wonder how much longer it is going to take for Domna Crystilyn Aillard to spawn the posthumous love child of Marcello Ridenow. We’re not sure, but this pregnancy is a likely candidate for the Darkovan Book of World Records.
Issue #167, 11 August 2001Rolling Five of a Kind
We at the Darkovan Inquirer wonder who will be presiding over this year's annual Darkovan Yahtzee Tournament. With the Lord and Lady Storn apparently not speaking to each other (and on different planets for that matter), one has to wonder who will take last year's winners’ places?
Old Faithful
An ancient trap matrix went off again recently, spreading blue fog across the countryside, much to the delight of the local children. A team of Terranan speculators is planning to fund a study to plot the cycle of the trap matrix in order to create a Trap Matrix National Park and sell tickets to the next eruption.
Old (Un)Faithful
Auster Elhalyn's excesses with other women have finally reached Lord Hastur's limit. The DI has received word that Lord Stone Haven's engagement to Marelie Hastur has been broken and he will be married to another woman instead. We only hope that Lord Danvan will choose more wisely next time for his granddaughter.
Riona's Roomies
Alida Haldar was recently spotted hauling her daughter, the young and innocent Riona, away from some men at a party. She took her upstairs to the family suites. However, based on the history of those suites, we are not certain that her naivete is any safer there. At least, based on her current company, she is unlikely to get pregnant!
Massage, Anyone?
We at the DI are happy to see the touching relationship between Auster Elhalyn and his stepmother, Judith Aillard-Ridenow. Few stepmother-stepchild relationships are so idyllic. Lord Stone Haven even sent his personal masseuse up to ease Lady Judith's stress. She said that her neck was hurting her; based on recent events in the Ridenow Suite, though, we suspect the pain might actually be a bit lower.
Berry Interesting
No one at Loststar Tower has seen either Chief Technician Kyrrdis Hamilton or his bride since the wedding night. Tower members are concerned that they have gotten lost in the ancient, unused corridors. They seem to be finding their way to the kitchen, however, based on the way food keeps mysteriously disappearing at night. The rapid depletion of the redberry sauce in particular has led to speculation among some members of Loststar as to how (and where) it is being used by the happy couple.
How Much Is the Kitty in the Window?
Comyn Castle is infested with felines. Kittens are everywhere. People with cat hair allergy are strongly advised to refrain from visiting the castle. On the other hand, people who are interested in purchasing a good mouser should inquire at the castle gates. Meanwhile, Dom Ruyven Castamir plans to castrate every tomcat he can catch. Male inhabitants of the castle should therefore make sure not to wear furs or make purring sounds lest there are some unfortunate mistakes.
Party Surprise
The engagement party of Lady Keara Ridenow and Dom Julian MacAnndra took an unexpected turn when Lady Judith Ridenow shouted out the news of Lady Keara’s pregnancy. We have no doubt that the ruckus following that revelation was loud enough to disturb whole Thendara, wake up the dead and activate old trap matrices deep inside the planet. Maybe the Ridenow suites should be surrounded by telepathic dampeners to protect the innocent from the emotional turmoil of this turbulent (and apparently over-fertile) family.
Employment News
Stories of high wages and good working conditions have caused an influx of laborers to Storn Heights. Free health care, equal wages for women, and a high level of safety make what is happening at Storn Heights a stark contrast to most of the rest of Darkover. As the population increases, it means more construction for housing, which in turn is increasing the employment opportunities. If this keeps up, Storn Heights may soon equal Thendara in terms of its population!
Issue #168, 18 August 2001
Friendly Towers
Dalereuth Tower was recently voted as the friendliest Tower in the Domains. The warm and decidedly chubby staff are favorites throughout
Darkover. This is the third year in a row Dalereuth has won this honor, and imagine how popular they would be if Dom Piedro would only share his chocolate! In response, Comyn Tower has adopted a policy in which patients can have their pets with them, even while undergoing matrix surgery.
Sports News
Women’s basketball is finally coming to Darkover! Coach Javanne Alar has been recruiting the tallest Renunciates in Thendara for a Stone Haven team, and goals will be set up in the Yellow Ballroom for practice. An argument
has already ensued over the uniforms, however: Lord Stone Haven wants the team colors to be the same as his own, but one of the draft picks insists otherwise on religious grounds.
Growing Pains
Without a doubt, Storn Heights is a boom town these days, but as with any boom town, a certain undesirable element has found its way there. Once-innocent Storn Heights has seen exponential growth in taverns, brothels, and gaming halls. On the plus side, this might provide Dom Diego Storn with something to do on those lonely Hellers winter nights.
And the Bride Is...?
It’s definite now: the engagement between Auster Elhalyn and Marelie Hastur has been broken. Instead, Lord Stone Haven will be married off —we think we can safely use this term — to Callina di Asturien. Seems that Lord Hastur would rather have this womanizer in someone else’s family. He also has wisely kept the two from meeting until a tenday before the wedding, to prevent the haste in which some other marriages have had to be arranged.
Medical Emergency No. 1
A new disease haunts the streets of Thendara. Citizens are reported to suffer from exploding brains. The cause for this ugly situation is said to be a number of smaller timewarps that wander through Thendara like whirlwinds, always ready to create havoc. A cure for the exploding brain symptom is not as yet available.
Medical Emergency No. 2
The inhabitants of Storn Guildhouse are more upset by the bandit attack as we all thought. Why else would they propose to pump the blood of Jack the farmhand in the arteries of a fire-breathing Renunciate? As soon as
Mestra Becca learns whose blood she has got, she is bound to have a relapse, even if she doesn't demand that it must be taken out again immediately.
Want a Holiday?
The secretary of Danvan Hastur announces that the first person to convene a new Council Session will be rewarded with a free flight to the planet of his choice. Free accomodation in the local version of Zandru's seventh hell will be provided. The only drawback of this splendid offering: It is a one-way ticket.
Lost and Found
Would the cadet who left his breeches in the back room of the Oudhraki’s Tail Tavern please come and retrieve them? The management is doing its annual cleaning.
Issue #169, 25 August 2001
Running for Cover or Something Else?
Dom Auster Elhalyn was recently seen running from Comyn Castle at top speed. In addition to escaping from murder or marriage, perhaps his rush had another reason: Maybe it suddenly dawned on him that
with his marriage date set by Lord Hastur himself, he has only a few precious days of bachelorhood left, and he was hurrying to enjoy himself in his preferred fashion for the last time? The proprietress of the Red Sun House refused to comment.
The Runaway Bridegroom, Part II
Late-breaking news tells us it’s official: Lord Stone Haven is engaged. But, as we just reported, before the ink was dry on the marriage contract, he was trying to get out of it. Really, Dom Auster: women are forced into marriage all the time, and rarely run away. Can’t you be at least as brave as the “weaker” sex? You haven't even met the girl yet.
Yet Another Child
Wasn’t it heart-warming to see how gladly the Ridenow Clan accepted the sudden revelation that Mestra Katie Rider is truly Domna Katerina Ridenow? But there is one person who for sure won’t be so glad: Domna Judith Ridenow. She gets a fit when she learns that she is to be step-grandmother soon, so just imagine how she will react on the news that she has acquired another stepdaughter all of a sudden! We advice Thendara citizens living in and near the Castle to wear earmuffs for the next days, so their eardrums won't suffer from the shrieking.
Office Supplies
Our sources on Escobar report that Leynier Industries has reported a major financial loss during the first quarter, in large part due to unusually large expenditures on office supplies. It seems someone has been bending scissors by running with them and eating lots of paste. Is it just a coincidence that the trouble began soon after Fianna Ridenow-Storn got an office at the company?
What Goes Up Just Came Down
Pedestrians on Threadneedle Street were endangered recently by sliding roof tiles. Among the injured was one Renunciate and a shopowner’s dog. In response to accusations of shoddy roof work, Hiram MacBray, Head of the Roofer’s Guild, stated that fire damage had no doubt loosened the tiles. But if that were so, shouldn’t a cadredi of sleet have brought them down already? Also, the fire was mostly confined to the shops around the Terran Zone—not the Old Town. The Cortes is investigating.
Casting Call
Intergalactic media enthusiasts were stunned by the announcement that MHV (Music Hologram Vision) plans to locate the 1214th season of The Real World in Caer Donn. In an age-old format, seven strangers will live together in a house and get their lives broadcast into homes throughout the Federation. They promise us that people will stop being polite and start getting real, but do we really need that in the Hellers?
Wicked Witches of the North?
One of the surveyor teams in Storn discovered a half-frozen man lying trussed up in the bottom of a large hole. When revived, he babbled out a story about women who bound him up and kept him in a cellar as a sex slave. But one morning, when he awoke, the house was gone and he was at the bottom of the hole. The story is rather ridiculous; that area isn't inhabited at all, and the last time an event like this happened was on Terra, in Kansas.
Comyn Castle Caterer
Lady Judith Aillard-Ridenow has distinguished herself again as a woman who knows how to throw a party. Her latest catering of Lord Stone Haven’s party looks like it will make it a huge success. In the Aillard tradition, she has hired women as employees; Renunciates were spotted in the balconies checking for the best places to put the flowers.
Yahtzee!
The new hand-held Yahtzee games are selling like hotcakes in the Hellers. Young men who cannot find a companion no longer have to do without their favorite game. However, the sale of the hand-held game has been banned at Nevarsin due to reports of resultant blindness.
Issue #170, 1 September 2001
AMA On!
The Committee Against Mistreatment of Animals (CAMA) has claimed responsibility for recent fur thefts in both Stone Haven and Thendara. They deny any involvement in the murder of the carter, and have suggested that the furriers are trying to discredit them by killing the man and setting the horses to run amok with his cart. That could, after all, hurt the horses.
Ivory Towers
With the recent introduction of a chieri circle in the Hellers, the laranzu’in of the Towers have proposed convening a Council of their own to discuss the matter. However, they have disintegrated into discussions of who should represent the various Towers, who has conflicts of interest regarding Loststar, and so forth. Praise Aldones that there are fewer active Towers than Domains! At least there won't be a Ball after this meeting.
Emelda Arrested
In what may prove to be an intergalactic diplomatic incident, Emelda Hastur-Harris, daughter of Davna Hastur, has been arrested on Terra and charged with attempted kidnapping. The author of the Adore Eternally novels, who is on Terra scriptwriting for the hit holovision series, As Darkover Turns, apparently tried to take a child who is identical to her own son, Lerrys Hastur. Neither Domna Emelda nor her father could be reached for comment.
In the Navy
With the impending forced marriage of Auster Elhalyn, young Comyn women seem to be taking the hint. They are leaving Thendara in droves to avoid falling under Lord Danvan’s eye. One has even run off to sea, preferring to face pirates and Sharra worshippers instead of Lord Hastur’s machinations.
Dressing Down
Auster Elhalyn has been seen taking women to some of the most exclusive shops on Threadneedle Street, buying them low-cut gowns. The recipients of this sartorial splendor so far include Javanne Alar-Lanart, his bride-to-be Callina di Asturien, and several Renunciates. Rumor is that Lord Stone Haven intends to set up his own joyhouse and challenge the Red Sun House’s claim on its clientele. However, sources that know him better say that the Thendara Scoundrel merely wishes to start his own harem, Drytowner-style, and was headed for a jewelry store to purchase chains.
Kinky Party
No, this isn’t the Auster Elhalyn edition of the paper, but he is so newsworthy, isn’t he? The boy just won't settle. The streets of Thendara are abuzz with rumors of his newest fancies: apparently he has ordered a nest of
scorpion ants as a party surprise for his guests, plays matchmaker for his heir Domna Javanne and reacts to the first sight of his bride by biting, luckily not her. We can only wonder just what kind of party his reception for Domna Javanne will be.
Seeing Daylight
We are overjoyed to announce that during the last days many inhabitants of Darkover have experienced enlightment on some of the more troubling questions of life. We would like to mention: Julian MacAnndra for realizing that there is a difference between women and fish, at least in breeding habits; Mikhaella of Neskaya for discovering that telepathy is much easier while eyes meet— girl, that's not telepathy what you feel there! Torin MacLeod for accepting that looking like a sandal-wearer in a trainee’s robe is better than looking impressive in an uniform, as long as the trainee’s robe lets you get near to the girl;
Gwenn MacConal for the insight that the true philosophical question is not how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, but how many knives can a women hide under her skirts?
Snow Use
A young monk at Nevarsin was dismissed this week for creating anatomically correct snow figures outside the St. Valentine’s monastery. Perhaps he can get a job in Thendara, carving ice sculptures for wedding banquets.
Issue #171, 8 September 2001
Roll in the Hay
Despite having his first engagement broken over his behavior, Auster Elhalyn continues his philandering. He was recently overheard in the stables propositioning a young Comyn nedestra, and suggesting that she enter his home as a barragana! If Lord Hastur breaks the engagement again, he may not be as generous with the third fiancee. Perhaps Ivan the Banshee?
What's the Frequency, Kyrrdis?
It has recently been revealed that the leroni of the Comyn never noticed Loststar Tower in the Overworld because the brains of the Comyn and the chieri operate on different frequencies. Is this akin to the Terranan AM and FM? Or, considering what we know now about chieri, perhaps AC-DC would be a better comparison.
Dirty Laundry
Reports tell us that an enterprising young inventor in Dalereuth has discovered a way to remove chocolate stains from fabric without a trace. We wonder if this means that we’ll finally get a chance to see Piedro Aillard without brown streaks down the front of his tunic. Now if they’d just find a way to get rid of nicotine stains on his fingers...
Shanghaied!
The shortage of Renunciates in Thendara is being taken seriously by the Guild Mothers. Renunciates dressed in black have been spotted prowling the town, whisking young girls off their feet and carrying them away. Concerned citizens are demanding the return of the young urchin grabbed off the street this afternoon; everyone knows that girls must be at least fifteen years of age before taking the Oath is legal. They can't be bundled off like sacks of whiteroots!
Model Citizen?
The Guardsmen in Thendara have new duties; becoming fashion consultants to Terranan women, advising them about the proper clothing for balls and other social events. Recruit Gwenn MacConal has taken the new duty so seriously that Domna Dolorosa Leynier, Jewel of the Comyn, has taken him under her wing. Rumor has it that she is considering training him as a model for Leynier fashions; certainly he has the slender build for it, and plenty of time to learn before he reaches his full height.
In Related News
Stock in Leynier Industries has taken another drop this week. Our repeated attempts to reach someone in authority at the corporate offices on Escobar have been futile. All the receptionist will tell us is that the administrators are “busy”.
Stallion Recall
Stone Haven is recalling a defective line of their Elhalyn silver royals. Instead of raising the haunches and arching the neck when rocks are thrown at them, the defective model rears. If you have a member of this defective line, please bring the horse to your local stable for replacement. Riders failing to return the defective mounts will not reimbursed for injuries after this date.
Business News
Sale on horses in Thendara this tenday.... white geldings only.
Issue #172, 15 September 2001
A Note from the Editor
Dear Readers: Sometimes in times of great adversity, we are left with few choices. An ancient Terranan sage once said we really only have two choices: to laugh or to cry. Tragedy has struck outside our isolated little world of Darkover. The temptation is to allow ourselves to be paralyzed with sorrow and fear. It is, however, my feeling that the best tribute to the fallen is to allow life to go on. That doesn't mean forgetting or even forgiving. What it means is that when we allow our lives to grind to a halt, we hand a victory to the agents of terror and chaos. As editor of this paper, I refuse to give in and I refuse to give the cruel forces that bring tragedy to our world the satisfaction of obsessing over them. I sincerely wish that others in the media would do the same.
Relief
After a bout of intense grouchiness from Danvan Hastur, his servants are breathing a sigh of relief...and so is he. It seems that someone had the wisdom of slipping some dried blackfruit into his breakfast, and apparently it made the going great. It's amazing what a little fiber in the diet can do for one's disposition.
Jackpot
One of the Renunciates from the Temora Guild House, on holiday in Caer Donn, decided to visit one of the new casinos which opened in the center of town earlier this year. On a lark, she put a coin in a device called a "slot machine" and hit the proverbial jackpot. She told a reporter from this paper that she planned to use the money to buy new cookpots for the guild house kitchen.
Hollywood in Thendara?
Rumors that the Terranan are planning to film a holographic moving picture on Darkover based on an ancient Terranan novel about a fallen artistocratic society are blatantly false. Apparently none other than Dom Piedro Aillard has insulted the producers, leading them to the decision to go elsewhere. Rumor has it that David O. Selznick XXVIII asked Dom Piedro to share some chocolate, and we all can guess what our favorite resident of Dalereuth Tower's response to that was.
Issue #173, 22 September 2001
Put Out to Stud
After many years as an amateur, Rhodri Castamir is finally turning professional. He will be charging a stud fee for his future reproductive services. Interested women can check out his previous work in the area around Neskaya Tower; the newest product can be found at the MacFadden house. He plans to continue working as a technician, though; the pay is steady if not as... rewarding.
Put Out to Pasture
Dealing with Auster Elhalyn and his antics has proven to be too much for the Lady Javanne’s new escorts. In the space of one day, being around him has aged Mestra Betta by twenty years or more. She is no longer fit for anything more than being a lady’s companion. Perhaps it is the Elhalyn gift gone awry; he didn’t spend that long in the Tower.
Birdie, Birdie, In the Sky...
Comyn Tower has finally found an appropriate mount for Anya Lindir. A black bird was shipped into the Tower recently that appeared large enough to bear the young trainee. At least she won't have to worry about floating off this steed, if she remembers to carry fish with her at all times.
Fashion Flash
Domna Katie Ridenow, former Mestra Katie Rider, has proven already that she belongs among the Comyn with her invention of the split skirt that allows a woman to ride like a man while still decently clothed. Mestra Kay MacDonald wants to take lessons in unarmed combat in preparation for Lady Javanne Alar’s party — dancing would be more appropriate, but with Dom Auster Elhalyn present, maybe a girl needs to know how to fend men off. But as we hear that Mestra Kay will take clothing advice from Domna Dolorosa Leynier; we are sure that she will look splendid, whether she will fight or dance. Meanwhile, Domna Keara Ridenow and Dom Julian MacAnndra have discovered a style that looks good in all circumstances, is suitable for all occasions, saves money and spares one from going shopping. Therefore it is not quite understandable why they won't present themselves in it at Lady Javanne’s party.
Effects of Technology
Many old-guard Comyn have questioned the wisdom of introducing Terranan technology and products into our Darkovan culture. Certainly the dangers of modernity in a largely illiterate society was very much in evidence in Storn Heights this week. A young couple, straight off some isolated Hellers mountain, purchased something in a pharmacy that they thought was a “personal lubricant”. In fact, what it turned out to be was a permanent bond adhesive, which they would have known if they could have read the label. Now they are forced to walk belly to belly because they didn’t use petroleum jelly.
Issue #174, 29 September 2001
(Blood) Sports News
Okay, this is taking things too far. Word has reached the Darkovan Inquirer that Zandru Himself has called challenge on Auster Elhalyn. What happened? Did he give Naotalba a foot massage? We thought he had servants for that. Perhaps
Zandru should have asked for one Himself... we understand that Lord Stone Haven does not limit himself to one gender (if gods have them).
Wedding Knells
The Cortes is preparing to pass the DODCA (Defense of Di Catenas Act) after the latest rumors (however unsubstantiated) that Lord Storn would remarry Fianna Ridenow's spirit as housed in a clone of the late Lord Ridenow. Same-sex marriages have happened legally throughout the history of the Domains, but the Cortes was already having trouble deciding whether to hold his marriage to Lady Storn in her current body as valid, since she had died and was medically resurrected. This latest development, however, was the last straw. The DODCA defines marriage as existing between two people and their original bodies. Cloning around is not acceptable.
Society News
The party in the Yellow Ballroom is certainly a big event among the upper class and has already introduced some new customs. We are glad to see that finally two men are allowed to dance together, women may engage male dance partners instead of waiting demurely for a man to ask them, brides are bold enough to ask their promised husband to elope with them, and girls start to wear silver paint as a shiny dress. But the most shocking news is: Somebody has actually said something positive about Lady Judith
Aillard-Ridenow!
Honorary Title
Lord Hastur's years of service, the long hours spent in his office, the oh-so-long carried burden have finally paid off: He was granted with the epithet "Old Fart" by mutual consent of all castle inhabitants. We feel that he got exactly what he deserves.
Sadness in Caer Donn
News has reached us that one of the oldest taverns in Caer Donn is closing to make room for a new casino in the downtown district. And where, pray tell, is the staff of this newspaper supposed to hang out after a hard day of gossip-mongering?
Issue #175, 6 October 2001High Windward Is a Good Name for It
Rumor has it that the strange goings on at High Windward have been caused by a “shaggy dog”. Better call your dogs to order, Dom Diego, then call in the Ghostbusters, even if they are owned by a rival company.
An Educational Evening
Auster Elhalyn should throw more parties in Thendara. The attendees seem to have learned things they didn't know before:
* Romily n'ha Dika learned that Terrans do have legends after all.
* Kay MacDonald and Dolorosa Leynier learned that the sister of a brother makes that sister their sisters as well — something they learned, perhaps, from Donel Leynier, who also has an extended family.
* Kay also introduced us to a traditional Terran dance called the “Time Warp”: you put your timeline in the ball, you put your timeline out... with the way time moves in Thendara (or shall we say “crawls”?), it should become the latest craze.
* Cadet Gabriel Vyandal explained what the other cadets had missed at Lord Stone Haven’s last party... although we suspect that the only “exotic lady” he got close to was the Porcelain Goddess.
* Leonie Syrtis-Hastur learned that if she were twins, she would be hit on twice as frequently.
* Bare matrixes make people with untrained laran sick.
All That Glitters Is Not Gold
News of a major copper strike in the mines near Shainsa had many of the Ridenow rejoicing, since the late Marcello Ridenow had invested heavily in the venture. While indeed a small fortune in copper was removed from the mine, when the profits were divided up among this overly-prolific family, all everybody got was just enough money to buy a good meal at a nice restaurant.
Jawbone of a...
Several cadets had to report to Comyn Tower to have their jaws repaired after they dropped to the floor during the ball. Commander Alton has been asked to permit the cadets to grow beards, if they are old enough, to cushion the fall next time. If that is unacceptable, perhaps a hat with a chinstrap could be added to the uniform instead.
Issue #176, 13 October 2001
There Auster Be a Law
It seems strange that Dom Auster insists on being Domna Keara’s brother. After all he tried to get her father’s permission to court her only a few days ago. This is Thendara and not the hills! Of course he might have just forgotten considering the speed at which time passes in Thendara.
Privacy
Domna Maibrie Aldaran recently claimed that reporters from this publication could not spy on her in her isolated circumstances. Oh, Domna Maibrie! You think by now you wouldn’t underestimate us. Not only do we know whether you put on undergarments each morning, but if you do, we even know the color!
Vote?
It has been no secret over the years that we believe Darkover is ripe for some Terranan-style democracy (after all, some believe calling in the Council for any reason is grounds for capital punishment). We would like to put it to the vote if Dom Auster could be Domna Keara’s brother if he is her step-mother’s step-son, provided they have different fathers.You never know for sure, though, about paternal parentage until a tower-circle has confirmed it...
Candy Coated
On word that Dom Piedro Aillard may be coming to Storn Heights to judge the chocolate tasting contest, several handsome young men coated their bodies in chocolate with the hopes that Dom Piedro would choose to taste them. We have to admire one fellow who was extremely “creative” with chocolate sprinkles.
Relay Delay
Comyn Tower has dropped out of the relays without any prior notice this evening. Nobody at the Tower could be reached for comment. Our Thendara correspondent is investigating.
Issue #177, 20 October 2001
Shocker
For once, Danvan Hastur seems to be right about an arranged marriage. Lord Stone Haven appears to be getting along very well with his fianceé, Callina di Asturien. However, there is a tenday to go; Dom Auster may mess things up yet. So have faith, those of you who disapprove of such matches.
Shocker, the Sequel
Poor Damon Ridenow! He seems to have lost Leonie Syrtis-Hastur to Ruyven Haldar, a “real man”. Perhaps if he were to eavesdrop on young Haldar’s conversations, Damon might learn what he needs to do to achieve such a degree of manliness himself. Of course, he could merely drop by the Red Sun House for personal instruction and cut out the middleman.
Smear Campaign?
We at the DI were shocked to discover that Auster Elhalyn thinks we are conducting a smear campaign against him. Nonsense—we are grateful that he has graced Darkover with his presence again. We haven't had such a wealth of material since Dom Marcello’s passing.
Just in Time for Halloween...
Lord Storn seems to have adopted some of the Terranan customs during his sojourn offworld. With “Halloween” just around the corner, he has decorated High Windward accordingly. If one walks through the castle, one can hear voices, smell flowers in winter, and spy Pan-Galactic Ghostbusters at work. Dom Diego needs a little more fine tuning on his presentation, however; it is hard to produce a convincing ghost of Lady Storn when she is partying with her niece in Thendara.
Incest Rates Are High
Damon Ridenow confided in his sister that he is romantically interested in another of his sisters, though we did not know he had another one... Our suggestion: Even though the Ridenows have traditionally been a family of the plains, Dom Damon should consider moving into the hills. An alliance like this has never posed a problem amongst the hill people.
Business News
Modern times are hard on many Comyn families, and their traditional way of life gets difficult to maintain. Some of them seem to rise to the challenge. Lord Hastur himself has announced the formation of a marriage bureau, but in his usual stuck-up manner has limited its service to members of the Comyn and the minor nobility. He guarantees quick matchmaking, though. Working hand in hand with him will be the Ridenows as wedding planners and fashion advisers. Rumors that Leynier Industries will supply the bride with lacy lingerie at special rates could not be confirmed.
Wool Trade Booms
Spinners, weavers and tailors have reported an unusual high demand for their service. Already there is an alarming shortening of cloth and yarn in Thendara. Prices are skyrocketing. Insiders tell us that this is not only due to the high number of upcoming weddings and the recent interest in tartans, but also because the many maternity dresses ordered lately consume much material.
Ballroom Perfume
Some attendants to Lord Auster’s and Lady Javanne’s party in the Yellow Ballroom noticed that something stinks there. Maybe the veshrati is spoiled again? But considering the time the ball has already lasted, it is more probable that the flower decorations have started to rot.
Issue #178, 27 October 2001
Mhari Had A...
The tavern owners of Thendara are apparently milling about like sheep. First, there was the Sleepy Lamb. Then, the Roasted Lamb. Now, the Slaughtered Lamb? Are they all owned by the same person? If so, he has a serious sheep fetish. At least the Silver Swan rises above the flock.
Turnaround
Auster Elhalyn may have enjoyed showing his new fianceé, Callina di Asturien, around at the party in his cousin’s honor, but the evening ended in tears. This would not be so unusual in itself, but Dom Auster was the one crying for a change. At least the lady was chivalrous enough to offer him her handkerchief.
The Party’s Over
The balls at Comyn Castle have traditionally ended badly; over the centuries, partygoers have witnessed stabbings, blizzards, even the attack of Sharra. This season has been no different — the ball after the last Council session ended with a city-wide fire, and this one has ended in a death. And Lieutenant Castamir was concerned about a few drunken cadets in the Elhalyn Suites?
Personals
Wanted: Information on who let my second-in-command out for the evening. There is some serious stable duty headed his way. Contact V. Alton at the barracks.
Out of the Frying Pan into the Fire
The ancient refuge of women seems to has lost its attraction. Novices of the Guild of Renunciates complain that being under the fist of an oathmother is not different from being under the fist of a husband. We would like to remind them that there is still a major difference in being ordered around by guildmembers: You don't have to share their bed—or at least that’s true most of the time.
Big Brother Is Watching You — at Least He Tries
The first Darkovan Census has presented the Census Bureau with an unusual amount of problems. Many of the papers were returned only half completed, in most cases lacking such vital information as the person’s surname. Also it seems that many inhabitants of Darkover vanish without a trace. But that is balanced by the fact that new citizens show up continuously. The Census Bureau claims that it is swamped with issuing certificates of death and birth.
Money Makes the World Go Around
Apparently, Danvan Hastur is more unstable than we have feared. Rumors have it that he plans a monetary reform and wants to replace the established reis with a new currency called Darko, the name derived from Darkover. Citizens who don’t like the idea have already started writing petitions.
Issue #179, 3 November 2001New Proctocol?
After a slip-up in which an arrestee was discovered with a knife still on his person, new standards have been issued by the Commander of the Guard. From now on, all prisoners will be subjected to a body cavity search before questioning. Junior Officer Killian has suggested that they remove the teeth as well; he demonstrated his technique for this in front of the cadets recently.
Tower Probing
Also, in the wake of a corruption scandal, the Commander of the Guard has requested Comyn Tower to interview all the Guardsmen to verify their loyalty to the Comyn. This will require all available personnel, but the Tower has lost some key members recently—to pregnancy. It seems that their condition is due to the actions of—guardsmen. Coincidence? We think not!
Banshee Eggs
Flocks of angry banshees recently descended from the Hellers into the Storn territory; expectant mothers deprived of their children. Couriers from Banshee Express have been reported as going on strike out of sympathy for their nesting sisters. The flightless birds are demanding the immediate return of all banshee eggs stolen from the would-be mothers. The ruckus started when the Denny’s at Storn Heights began offering the Banshee Egg Grand Slam as a breakfast selection. Employees of the food chain have been advised not to travel until the situation improves, or they may find themselves slammed by the banshees. We’d guess, in light of the impending Chocolate Festival, that the promoters in Storn Heights have egg on their faces.
Who Guards the Guards?
The families of Thendara are concerned about rumors that their daughters will be needed for the upcoming final exams of the cadets. Though the officers tell us that the girls will only have to act as young ladies to be properly escorted, danced with, and talked to by the cadets as a part of their etiquette testing, many fathers fear that the escorting will become courting soon and even more weddings must be conducted at midwinter.
He Just Can’t Get Enough
Talking about weddings, Dom Auster obviously can’t restrain his appetite even for two tendays. Sources from Comyn Castle tell us that he will be married to Domna Callina as soon as possible. But one bride is not enough. He has also asked the bride‘s sister to stay with him and on top of it all sent a request to the tower have some of his guards be women. What we all wonder now is: What does Dom Auster eat for his breakfast?
Issue #180, 10 November 2001
The Nerve!
For his wedding, Lord Stone Haven has chosen to wear white. We certainly hope he isn’t claiming to use the same symbolism a white bridal gown is supposed to have. Or is it simply a reflection of whitewashing to come, now that he is going to be a married man?
Who’s In
Thendara hairdresser Philippe was seen entering Comyn Castle with a wagon of notions to prepare Dom Auster and Lady Callina for their wedding. He brought four bags with him; perhaps he is moving in permanently? Or perhaps it’s just makeup to hide the wrinkles in Lord Hastur’s face.
Who’s Out
Auster Elhalyn is due to leave Thendara tomorrow with his new bride, much to the relief of Lord Hastur and Lieutenant Castamir of Castle Security. The speed of his engagement and wedding is due to the murders that have occurred since he arrived in the city. The same could not be said for some other marriages that have been hastily arranged recently.
A Sticky Situation
The Cortes has recently had to deal with the influx of yet another encroachment of Terranan technology: Velcro™. It is rumored that local joy girls are sewing it into their garments so they can be more easily removed. The Cortes members were outraged: Mestra Jaianne LaFiardtha of the Red Sun House refused to comment.
The Circus Is in Town
Thendara citizens are well pleased with the announcement of some entertainment in the next days. There will be a travesty show, bearded ladies, women dancing with swords and disappearing children. The performers are said to be members of the high society. Admission is free, but donations are welcome. They will go to a fund for castle servants suffering from stress-related health problems.
News from the Chocolate Festival
As preparations continue for the Chocolate Festival in Storn Heights, health officials were forced to shut down the booth of the Candermay Chocolate Company when traces of Ya-Men feathers were found in a batch of blackfruit fudge.
Kiss Me, For I May Be Dead Tomorrow
After being told to go for a secret mission, many of the cadets and the guards spend their last free time with visiting their lady friends. We can only hope that the ladies in question will enjoy the rushed jobs. For those men unfortunate enough not to have a significant other, there is always the Red Sun House. The only question that remains is how secret this mission will stay with all those women who are asked to send a soldier to the battle with some nice memories knowing about it.
Tower News
A new form of saying goodbye has become all the rage in the Towers recently. Instead of the traditional touch of fingertips or kinsman’s embrace, they look somebody deep in the eyes and say “I look forward to training your children some day.” We hope that this fancy doesn’t catch among all inhabitants of Darkover, though; our planet can only support a limited number of people.
Classified Advertisements
Congratulations Cadets and New Officers!
You have worked hard over the past year to earn your new promotions—now it’s time to celebrate! Bring this advertisement with you to the Red Sun House, and receive a 25% discount off your total bill. Let us help you to relax and enjoy your well-earned free time. We all look forward to seeing you!
Wanted to Buy:
One new or almost-new percussion set. Sturdy, good tone, good volume. Please contact: First Technician, MatrixOps Circle, Comyn Tower, Thendara.
Issue #181, 17 November 2001Tradition... Tradition!
Darkovans for Traditional Values (DTV) met this week in Thendara, which was dubbed “Sin City” by the leadership. (And if they think Thendara is bad, have they been to Caer Donn lately? Or Storn Heights?) The group believes that the influence of the Terran Empire has had a deleterious effect on Darkovan society and morals. Recent signs of this have included the introduction of items like Dark-ola, condom machines in Comyn Castle, and the “Darko”, a new coin that has been the bane of Darkovan merchants. The event that spurred the most discussion, however, was Auster Elhalyn's wedding celebration, where cadets were rumored to have dressed like women. “This switching of gender identity goes too far,” leader Llew MacSheldon said. “Guardsmen are not chieri... well, most of them aren’t. Lord Stone Haven has brought customs back from Vainwal that have put our soldiers on a slippery slope that will lead to women wanting to join the Guard.” Rumors of women at the party dressing like Guardsmen could not be confirmed.
New Form of Birth Control Discovered!
The Lady of Aldaran has introduced a new form of birth control to the Domains: abstinence. It does not use the Terranan technology that groups
like the DTV object to, but the Heir to Hastur might object to Domna Maibrie’s use of the new technique. It is preferable to the neutering performed in the Dry Towns, though. For the old fashioned Comyn, of course, the donas amizu is still available. We’d also note that it seems a bit ironic that a general discussion of contraceptives only takes place after a large part of the female population is already with child.
Warped
Darkover has been hit by another anomaly in the space-time-continuum: After a wormhole with ends in both Thendara and the Hellers, various time-warps and the fact that time moves differently in all the different places of Darkover, time has now stopped moving in Thendara altogether. Nevertheless, Domna Dolorosa almost managed to be fashionably late for Dom Auster’s and Domna Callina’s wedding.
Rude Renunciates
Renunciates tired of the ordinary breeches commonly worn by their sisters have begun a quest to improve their wardrobes. While Darkovans generally support the efforts of the Sisterhood to become more fashionable, concern is mounting over their methods. The river road west of Thendara has become a traffic hazard as roving bands of rude Renunciates have taken to leaping onto moving carriages in order to get a peek at what the Comyn are wearing. Guild sisters, please, stop endangering the horses. There are safer ways to find a dress. Even attending one of Dom Auster Elhalyn’s parties would be slightly less likely to get you killed.
Shocking News
Word has reached us that John Cowan is only right part of the time. This revelation has shaken us to our foundation.
The Tower Wises Up... or Does It?
In the wake of losing so many of its personnel to pregnancy, Comyn Tower has decided to replace the women with men. However, the first inductee is Rhodri Castamir, who has nedestros spread across the Domains. One wonders if this is going to solve the problem, or bring it closer to home.
Kyrri Labor Union Founded
The kyrri of Comyn Tower have had enough of showing the numerous visitors, beaus, and applicants around at every time of the day. They demand the adoption of visitor hours and the limiting of visitors numbers. Added to this is the request to restrict the number of pets a tower inhabitant may keep, as many of the kyrris suffer from allergic reactions to cat hairs. The kyrri of Dalereuth Tower joined the Labor Union, but their demands are somewhat different: They want a guarantee that they will not be required to serve more than three meals a day to the suites of the tower members.
Defending Darkover Against Everything
The Goddess Avarra combines the divine with the mundane and sends out a party to defeat Sharra who menaces whole Darkover — and while they are at it, the party can fight some pirates who menace the fishing industry, and some poets who menace the beautiful casta language with their bad poetry. Given the quality of the rhymes in question, we can’t help wondering what is the greater threat for our well-being.
Business News
A company called Screensavers Inc. announces the development of a new toolto enhance the security of the towers. They produce covers for matrix screens that prevent damaging of the matrices and the lattice by liquids spit on them by the tower workers. Though all towers deny that they need these covers, Screensavers Inc. claims that the covers sell like hotcakes.
Issue #182, 24 November 2001
Kiss the Cook
The kitchen staff of Comyn Castle offers a special service to all expectant fathers. For those who think the custom of sharing the birth experience by telepathic linking is not enough, the cooks have composed some menus that will allow the fathers-to-be to experience symptoms of every stage of the pregnancy. Combinations such as veshrati with chocolate mousse, roasted rabbithorn with whipped cream and rutabaga stew with ice-melons, cherries and pickles will not only make the males puke quite often, but the dishes will also fatten them up so that the prospective dads need to buy new clothes and won’t fit through narrow passages.
Call to Arms
Guards and Cadets will soon be equipped with a sensor device to measure their body heat. The idea is that as soon as the man in question gets in a steamy situation with a woman, the sensor will give an alarm to remind him of his duties. Rumors have it that this alarm will be a voice recording of Lt. Rafael Castamir saying “Get your A** out of that bed and get some clothes on, soldier!!! You have been picked specially for an important mission and if you don’t get your A** to your destination now I will see to it that you have stable duty every day until the new Cadet season starts!”
Does Darkover Need Cloning?
No, we are not talking about Marcello Ridenow. Our sources in Dalereuth Tower tell us that there have been requests to clone some organs to help all the mutilated parents whose children have got their eyes, noses, ears etc. First Technician Piedro Aillard, currently at the Chocolate Festival at Storn Heights, gave lots of comments, but only about what he got from his father (not eyes, nose or ears).
Winter Runoff
Recently, Lord Stone Haven was seen running down the streets of Thendara, followed by his guards. It was subsequently revealed that he was forming a track team at Stone Haven. Not to be outdone, the Comyn of Thendara are forming their own team. One of the applicants, Gregori Haldar-Tyall, was seen practicing the Old-Town-to-Comyn-Castle dash. Witnesses timed him at under three minutes. With such talent at their disposal, Thendara will sweep the first track meet.
New Fashions
Fashion mavens are raving over the new styles Fianna Ridenow-Storn brought back from her recent tour of several planets. The most daring of the new trend was wearing black, a shade previously reserved only for the Priestesses of Avarra. The women of the Isle of Silence were quick to issue a written statement (of course) that Lady Storn has not joined their membership. The statement also added, “While wearing black is a sign of reverence, the Dark Lady frowns on sequins.”
Enter Emelda
We understand that Emelda Hastur (who now styles herself as Emelda Hastur-Harris) and who operates under the pen name of Adore Eternally, has returned to Darkover. Fans of her books swarmed around her while Domna Emelda harangued customs agents at the spaceport. When questioned as to whether she will be promoting her latest novel while visiting Thendara, Domna Emelda stated that she was on-planet for personal reasons.
Classified Advertisement
The Sordid Sheep Opens
The Sordid Sheep is pleased to announce its Grand Opening! Come in and see our dancers shed their wool. The Sordid Sheep is located next to the Slaughtered Lamb and is run by the same quality management. Get in free with this ad and the purchase of a mug of ale from the Slaughtered Lamb.
Issue #183, 1 December 2001
Social Promotion
Since the graduation of the cadets to Junior Officers, and Gregori Haldar’s promotion to Lieutenant and Cadet Master, Commander Valdir Alton has been overwhelmed with petitions for other promotions. Among the ranks being sought are three vacancies for captain. We understand, however, that Junior Officer MacBride may be held back for tardiness, despite his high score in Sex Education.
Native Tongue
Darren MacBride has found a new way to teach casta to non-Darkovans. Just one short session made Tower trainee Birte Andersen fluent in the language, a higher success rate than the Terran language tapes visitors usually employ. If his career in the Guard does not pan out, he may consider this as an option for a new career.
Business News
A famous fast food chain wants to expand to Darkover. Their spokesman said that people who would eat raw intestines of rabbithorns would probably eat anything, so that attracting new customers should be easy. Also, the cost of building restaurants could be kept low because there is no need for cold storage rooms besides the window sill on the outside. The idea of using a Sharra Matrix to fry the food was dismissed as too risky, as the spokesman assured. As a special introductory offer new customers will be given a jolly figurine of Danvan Hastur with the purchase of a Thendara Burger, a large portion Valeron Fries and a medium sized Shallan Cola.
Health Risks at the Towers
The work in the Towers is even more dangerous as we all thought. Mestra Katie Rider, trainee at Comyn Tower, announced that she would melt the brain of every person on whom she would use her laran, adding in the next sentence that she needs to see leronis Alanna for laran training. We can only hope that Domna Alanna will still have an unmelted brain when this training session ends. Dalereuth is under attack by bandits who have got a strange taste for leroni as prey. And in Neskaya Tower even to be dreamt about proves to be risky: Farren Delleray surely got into a tight spot when Rhodri Castamir, after dreaming of Dom Farren, coaxed him into admitting that Dom Farren felt guilty about hugging Dom Rhodri’s eldest daughter. After all, the old rules about celibacy perhaps weren’t so wrong.
Marcello Cult Grows
Just when you think that the Darkovan counterculture scene can’t get any stranger, a new fad occurs. It seems that folks have taken to putting little statues of the late fashion icon, Marcello Ridenow, on the dashboards of their carriages. These statues have heads that bob when the carriage moves. The most popular of these "bobbers" has Marcello dressed in a black cape with sparkles. If only the late Lord Serrais only knew how much he is missed!
Cultural Exchange
Along with the other events at the recent Elhalyn wedding, a cultural exchange between Darkovans and Terrans took place. It appears that the unappetizing “delicacy” known as veshrati resembles an equally odious Terran dish referred to as “chitlins”. No wonder so many Terrans with bad taste go over the wall.
Chocolate Festival
In an example of another cultural exchange, Darkovans and Terrans are coming together in Storn Heights for Dom Diego’s Chocolate Festival. Attending Darkovans are being given the opportunity to sample Terranan chocolate. We applaud Dom Diego’s attempts to improving Darkovan-Terranan relations before they take over his land entirely. Or, perhaps, Lord Storn has simply found a novel way of getting rid of his leftover Halloween candy.
Fashion Update
After Lady Fianna Ridenow-Storn’s successful introduction of black to Darkovan women’s fashions, we are sad to report that there has been a crashing failure in men’s fashions. Frank Barber debuted at the Storn Chocolate Festival with a smashing chocolate-colored thong and chaps, but no one was biting, figuratively or literally. Even Dom Piedro Aillard, noted chocoholic, locked his door on the progressive designer. Don’t fret, Mestru Barber — one’s greatness is not always recognized during one’s lifetime, or for years to come.
Issue #184, 8 December 2001
Finally!
Lord Stone Haven is leaving Thendara with his bride, her sister, his cousin, and a troupe of guards and minstrels. Perhaps it will be enough to satisfy him. The citizens of Thendara are eagerly looking forward to a peaceful holiday without his continuous distractions. Lord Danvan will be throwing a party to celebrate the return of normalcy to his life and — oh, no! Emelda has returned! Okay, cancel the party.
A Heartwarming Story for the Holidays
It’s always heartwarming when old enemies put their differences behind them and become friends. We are pleased to report that after years of distrust, Auster Elhalyn and Gregori Haldar have become bredin. They exchanged blades shortly after Dom Auster’s wedding ceremony, and rumor has it that they also got into each other’s pants. Lady Stone Haven could not be reached for comment.
Now, That’s What We Call Training!
The citizens of Dalereuth were pleased to welcome Gavin MacDonnell back to the real world after the extended time he has spent in meditation. Even a bandit attack on Tower members escaped his notice. We must congratulate his mentors on their skills in honing his mind. Perhaps rewards of chocolate are his motivation; Dom Piedro Aillard traveled to Storn recently to pick up a new supply.
Speaking of Chocolate (And We Frequently Do)
We understand from our sources that monitor the Overworld that the late Marcello Ridenow is distressed that he cannot partake of the scrumptious chocolate in his dearly departed state. Considering there is a perfectly good clone awaiting his occupation in the Durona Clinic in Storn Heights, we have to wonder why he doesn’t stop whining and start living again. Or perhaps he’s inhibited by the chocolate Marcello candies that are said to be available at the festival. Reportedly, the women tend to bite the head off first, while the men...well, you get the picture.
Hide and Seek
Some people seem to believe that using a pen-name would keep their true identity hidden from our reporters. Please note that nothing stays hidden from the DI for long — we just choose sometimes not to reveal all our knowledge, for reasons of our own, may they be the preservation of stability on Darkover, the selling of more papers, or the receiving of chocolate. The Darkovan Inquirer is indeed watching you.
Toto, I Don't Think We’re in Storn Any More
The ancient Terranan curse of moving houses has spread to Darkover. The newly established guildhouse at Storn was relocated to the village of Redil, complete with yard, stable and sheep, apparently without anyone of the inhabitants noticing. Rumors that some of the more conservative citizens of Storn danced around the now empty spot where the guildhouse used to be, singing “Ding Dong, the bitches are dead”, could not be confirmed.
Issue #185, 15 December 2001
Comparison Shopping
Although Lord Stone Haven is preparing to depart Thendara, he is leaving fond memories behind. Lt. Haldar and Junior Officer Alan Ridenow spent the evening of the wedding talking about how long and hard Auster Elhalyn’s sword was. Officer Ridenow was eager to try it out— his own sword is thicker and heavier. Perhaps that is why Melissa Ridenow seems satisfied with him.
Anonymous Renunciates
The Guildmother of the Thendara House of Renunciates is concerned about increasing the visibility of Renunciates in the city. It seems that as far as the average citizen is concerned, they all look alike. “Our members are individuals who should be recognized for their personal talents,” the Guildmother said. “We are tired of the stereotyping that impedes our progress in society.” She is encouraging Renunciates to find ways to draw attention to themselves as individuals. One local Renunciate has found a novel way to accomplish this: she puts on heavy cosmetics each day, making herself look like different people. It certainly has brought attention to her appearance so far.
Benefits of Vacationing
The lands of Storn, setting of the annual Chocolate Festival, are known for their pastoral and peaceful qualities. Even the sensitive and highly-stressed Head Technician of Dalereuth Tower found some relief from his headaches. Then he opened the door to Frank Barber, and the cycle started all over again. Frank got a headache too, but it was from the door Dom Piedro hit him with.
Family Business
Poor Mikhaella newly-found-to-be Castamir! After years and years of
solitude, she is overwhealmed with family. Father, half-siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, foster-aunts and foster-uncles... The young trainee won’t have any time for tower training left with all the people she has to meet. We can only hope for Mikhaella’s sake that Danvan Hastur doesn’t notice her change to Comynara status and tries to marry her off before she even gets a chance for having a nice affair with a certain coworker. Oops! We guess he knows now!
Sweetmeat
The competition among Thendara’s restaurants has become stronger recently, but the Silver Swan clearly overdoes it when it tries to attract new customers with its offer of a special sweet dessert that consists of the serving maid clad in a man-sized bathing towel. Offers like this are the domain of the Red Sun House, not of a reputable inn!
Classified Advertisement
Klassic Kastle Karpet Kleaners Kompany is having a special this week. You can get 50% off all wine stain removals. Call 1-800-HELLERS to set up your appointment
Issue #186, 22 December 2001
Un-Bridal-ed Lust
Alas, the wedding night of Lord Stone Haven went as everyone had feared. Sources close to the Elhalyn Suites report that his bride spent the night on the floor, terrified of his considerable sexual appetites. This mismatch is what comes from marriages arranged for the convenience of the elders rather than that of the individuals getting married.
Bored Eternally?
The cloning craze continues to leave Darkover in a tizzy, as wealthy Comyn no longer limit themselves to cloning the dead. Emelda Hastur-Harris recently returned to Darkover with her son Lerrys, whom she claims to be the offspring of a chieri. However, the group Darkovans for Traditional Values (DTV) asserts that the child is actually a clone of old Danvan himself. Not content with what seems to have been a hundred years of ruling, he is rumored to have plans to set Jorik Hastur aside and succeed himself as ruler of the Comyn. Their suspicions were inflamed by their belief that no real chieri exist any more, even at Loststar Tower. Both Lord Danvan and Domna Emelda deny the DTV claims.
Yet Another Victim
The mysterious force of fertility plaguing Thendara has produced yet another victim among the Comyn. The DI has learned that the trip off-world planned by Kennard Hastur has been delayed because a member of his family is unable to travel in space at this time. Comynara fearing that they will be next have fled from the city in droves, several of them to the Isle of Silence where men are not permitted. Apparently, no one wants to try Lady Aldaran’s “Just Say No” campaign.
Ghosts on Darkover
As if laran wasn’t occult enough, Darkover seems to be haunted with the spirits of the deceased. Let us count: There was the apparition of Gabriel Alton-Ridenow, Morgana Ridenow is seen in the corridors of Comyn Castle
from time to time, Castle Storn seems to be visited frequently by the ghost of a salesman in violet perfume, Marcello Ridenow graces our paper by reading it even in the Overworld, and reports from Terra tell us that mishaps accompanied by the smell of pickle brine are connected with the
late Congratulatia Elhalyn. To top it all, Darkover now has its own version of the Flying Dutchman: Ignaz Hastur, Admiral of the Fleet, who disappeared years ago together with said fleet, is rumored to be the
guest of honor at a pirate’s banquet.
Recent Laran Discoveries
Towers report the discovery of two opposing forms of laran. While the chaperone laran, belonging to the by now extinct family Di Virgines, enables its bearer to detect and interrupt any steamy situation in the vicinity, the sex god laran has the tendency to lead its bearer into those steamy situations. In addition, it enables people under its influence to exaggerate when it comes to telling about what has happened. The sex god laran seems to be contagious. We would like to advice certain places in Thendara (such as Comyn Tower or the Silver Swan) to employ a bearer of the
chaperone laran as soon as possible.
Terranan Blast Strange Object from the Skies of Cottman IV
Federation antiballistic weapons obliterated a strange, unauthorized craft as it approached the Darkovan atmosphere recently. The craft appeared to have a single occupant, a pilot wearing bright red. It was propelled by unknown forces, although some claim there were twelve chervines in front. As usual, Sub-Legate John Cowan could not be reached for comment.
Issue #187, 29 December 2001No Darkovan Inquirer Next Week
Your editor is going off this ice-ball planet next week for a nice, warm vacation, where he plans to play in the sun and surf. You’ll just have to gossip among yourselves until I get back.
Downhill
News has reached us through the grapevine that Dolorosa Leynier has abandoned the social swirl of the lowlands and has returned to the Hellers for an extended ski vacation in Lowerhammer. Perhaps this signals that others from the Hellers will come to their senses and quit living among the Hali’im.
Having F.I.T.S.
We newshounds were excited when John Cowan broke his usual media silence to comment about last week’s story regarding the man in the red suit who was reportedly shot down by Federation security as he and his chervines flew over Port Chicago. Now we find out that the F.I.T. is in collusion with a talking rabbit who hides ova in people’s homes. And we’re sure the Federation dentists also have contracts with the Tooth Fairy.
At Sea
How wonderful to find that the Admiral of the Fleet, Ignaz Hastur, is not among the missing but in fact is on the job to lead his bumbling crew of sailors on their misadventures. But it is definitely not true that Dom Ignaz has encountered a pirate with a hook for a hand who is afraid of a large reptile with a clock in its stomach. Tick, tick, tick....
Cold Fact
A young novitiate at the monastery of St. Valentine of the Snows in Nevarsin disappeared last week, and the monks thought that he had run away to have a tryst with a young woman with whom he was infatuated. However, his frozen remains were found near an outdoor shrine on the monastery grounds. Foul play is suspected.
Issue #189, 19 January 2002
Stable Currency?
The Darkovan Institute for Monetary Equivalency has expressed concern at the falling value of the Darkovan Reis versus the Empire Credit and has considered introducing a new, easily produced, currency, the “Reish”. Rumors that certain senior Comyn Guard officers’ attempts to devalue this new currency by assigning “stable duty” as a “punishment” for offenses such as “tardiness” and “overachieving” have not been confirmed. Senior officers in the Comyn Guard could not be reached for comment.
Chocoholic Chieri
Recorded physiological differences between chieri and humans received another chapter recently, as it was revealed that chocolate affects chieri in a manner similar to kireseth. There have recently been rumors of a gang of chieri using laran to steal one of the chief exhibits at Lord Storn’s Chocolate Festival. The importing of chocolate onto the planet may have to be as heavily regulated as the use of kireseth if even the Noble Ones lose control under its influence.
Finally!
The Elhalyn caravan has left Thendara. Lord Stone Haven is no longer Dom Danvan’s problem (which is just as well since Emelda is back in town). Joyhouses and taverns along the River Road — brace yourselves! The circus is coming to town!
Carriage Catfight
The distaff members of the Stone Haven caravan set a poor example for young Comyn women on the morning of their departure. Apparently, the pecking order in Dom Auster’s household is already being set. There was a prolonged disagreement as to who should ride in the first carriage, the second carriage, and so forth. We understand that the Lady Callina preferred to ride alone with her sister, forcing the Lady Javanne into another carriage. Alas, Lady Javanne was kicked out of that carriage as well, along with Lord Stone Haven’s masseuse. Perhaps they know something we don’t?
Songbird
A singer named Lenore leapt onto the horse of one of Dom Auster’s minstrels so she could audition before the group left town. She even sang a few notes for Lord Stone Haven, but flew away before he could offer her a position. Perhaps she didn't want to join the argument amongst the women.
DarkoNet Sued
Since the advertisement announcing their grand opening in our previous issue, DarkoNet Inc. has come under scrutiny by the Terranan authorities. Several customers of the service have complained of contracting viruses from hackers. Or was that contracting viruses from hacking?
Leave Before It’s Too Late
In case you can’t get enough Auster-gossip, it has been reported that the members of Dom Auster Elhalyn’s party seemed to be very anxious to leave Thendara. Maybe his male traveling companions feared that the obvious success of Dom Austers marriage would encourage Lord Danvan Hastur to extend his search for a husband for his granddaughter to their number? They are not the only ones afraid from a fate worse than death: An employee of the Terran spaceport has been spotted running at top speed after talking with coworker with whom he had spent the night before. Maybe she scared him off by mentioning how easily women get pregnant these days? But then again, the way time moves in Thendara, a pregnancy could literally last forever.
Lost and Found
One of our reporters misses a mechanical, self-writing pen that is indispensable for her work. The pen was last seen busily writing a scathing column about housing conditions in the Terranan zone. There’s a reward on return. On the other hand, the owner of the empty candy wrappers that appeared mysteriously in our office is kindly asked to remove them. Teleportation is not an appropriate way of garbage disposal.
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