Darkovan Inquirer, Back Issues for 2011
Issue #357, August 24 2011
Vacation staffing shortage
The Red Sun House is reporting a temporary staffing shortage due to their girls taking early vacations in advance of the Midsummer rush. So, to fill the spring demand they need to hire several tempts to augment their staff.
Cadet Duty Improves
Several tendays ago one of our sources in the Castle Guard while tidying up Commander Valdir's files learned that after three years in the Cadets, Jacob Ridenow is still as useless as when he first became a cadet. The Commander's Records indicate that after three years of cadet training he is still frequently assigned to stable duty as punishment for being late. Perhaps if he spent less time studying at the Red Sun and more time studying in the barracks he would get better assignments. (Which might help explain their staffing shortage mentioned above.)
Perhaps his sister Keara Ridenow has spoken to her younger brother since our investigation began because it appears that the Cadet Ridenow is getting better assignments. He was seen earlier this morning along with two other officers while on escort duty for Captain Castimir lovely wife while she was withdrawing money from the Terranan bank. Our sources would not comment on what Domna Berana needed the money for.
Mint Tea Recipe
It is common knowledge that the spaceport personnel have relied on machines for years to prepare their so call "food". This inability to cook is so widespread that even Terranans living away from the the Terranan base are not capable of making a simple cup of tea. Our sources tell us that Doctor Michael Kelly needed to ask a Renunciate healer how to make a simple cup of mint tea for a sick patient they were treating.
Renunciate Weight Loss Program
According to our sources at the Silver Swan, the Renunciates ordered a large breakfast consisting of scrambled eggs, bacon, seasoned, fried potatoes, cinnamon rolls, oatmeal, sliced apples, milk, jaco, and herb tea, be delivered to their rooms. With all of that food you would think they would be gaining weight. However later that day when one of the Renunciates appeared in the lobby she seemed to have lost weight but perhaps that is just because the Amazon short sword she was wearing when she had first arrived had been replaced with a smaller one. Maybe she could use some of that mint tea!
DI Sources Are Everywhere
Earlier this evening at The Silver Swan, one of our sources overheard one of the Renunciates say: "Let's just hope if you do need help walking, that there are none of the so-called reporters from the DI gossip rag around who think you have drunk too much firi this evening." Unfortunately we did not see any drunken Renunciates stumbling down the halls of the Silver Swan but we do know that those reputed lovers of women spent a lot of time in the bathing area this evening. Despite interest in reporting the news, RU had no desire to pursue that subject matter any further.
Scholarly Research Can Be Fun
Following an unnamed Renunciates' confession that many Midsummer festivals ago her Terran mother was engaged in private fieldwork for a scholarly research paper it is easy to understand why most Darkovan parents are opposed to letting their children have a Terran education. The editors at the DI however are always interested in learning new words for Yahtzee.
Renunciates Hatch Chicken Coop Revolt
Renunciate Undercover has learned from various members of the Redil Shelterhouse that Sorcha has become a broody hen and is reluctant to allow the others to spread their wings. The latest complaint is that she has confined them all to a local inn with instructions not to fly the coop. But it looks like her plans may have run a fowl because of their determination to go see what they can scratch up, since Renunciates tend to act more like roosters (who want to go roaming) than skittish hens. It should be interesting to see if Sorcha can survive the day without her feathers being too badly ruffled. When it comes to planning, she may be forced to wing it though she'll be madder than a wet hen when she finds out about their excursion.
Did The Earth Move For You?
Reports of an earthquake on Terra earlier this week were rapidly analysed and it was determined that it was not the fabled Lap-Dog of Aldaran making a surprise appearance, but only an Alton-sized temper tantrum that was quickly quashed.
Interplanetary Council Shakeup
Due to a recent spate of votes in one part of the Interplanetary Council which resulted in the Expansionists-aligned JACO party gaining 3 seats while the representatives for the Anti-Expansionist party only garnered two and an Independent took the last spot, this therefore allowed the Expansionists to gain a critical foothold in the Upper Chambers. This, combined with the untimely death of the head of the Nebula Democratic Party which was aligned with the Anti-Expansionists, has made those representatives of Protected Status Planets more than a little nervous. Due to reporters not being allowed in places of influence (apparently media can influence the outcome of elections, who knew?!), we are waiting on our official sources to advise us on further details.
Today's Riddle
Q: Have you ever wondered why so many of the Amazons look like dried up old prunes?
A: Because they spend so much time soaking in the bathtub.
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Keeping Memories Alive
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Issue #356, August 10 2011
Alcohol Abuse At Redil Shelterhouse
The long running DI office pool about who would be the first to start abusing Firi at the shelterhouse has finally ended. Although Sorcha and Jack were the office favorites, any staffer who gambled on them lost. After a complete review of the rules, an unknown visitor to the house became the agreed upon winner when he misused a bottle of cheap firi and old rags making a firebrand to burn down the place. Anyone with information about the stranger and his drinking issues should contact the Redil Magistrate immediately. A new office pool will be announced soon.
Renunciate Weight Loss Program
Our Redil Undercover Reporter has learned that Becca is pushing the various people in her Thendara Commission too hard and that Lauria is losing weight and that she needs to tighten her belt another notch to keep her knife where it belongs.
Renunciate Greeting Ritual Explained
It has been well established that when a group of renunciates arrive at an occupied travel shelter that tradition requires the newcomers to ask leave of those already there. However, one of the lesser known secrets of a renunciates housebound period is learning the proper way to greet another renunciate while on the trail. According to our sources, the first step is to call the approaching sister a 'cranky old chervine' and then the approaching sister pretends to hug the other as a cover for twisting the first sisters' sword arm behind her back. Following that ritual the two travellers can embrace one another and continue on as old friends.
Receding Recession?
Business has been booming at the local Lyceum Card shop. Numerous visitors have been requesting that "get well cards" be sent to young Amos (who has developed ulcers from putting up with the women at Redil) and Lauria (who is in denial of her threshold sickness). Additional staff have been brought in to handle the increase in demand, and the local scribal shop has also added extra shifts.
A New Form Of Freemate Marriage
Despite denials from the owner of the Crowing Cock, the Inn is not serving up a new form of Freemate Marriage under its' new promotion of a hot meal, bath and soft bed. Inquiring minds want to know if the inn provide the fire, or does the couple bring their own?
Tower Worker Staffing Shortage?
There appears to be a staffing shortage at Comyn Tower resulting in some members working extra shifts and becoming so overtired they don't know which part of the day they are in.
Silver Swan Under Quarantine?
There is a new cause for concern for those who enjoy the relative sanity of being headblind. There appears to be a new form of laran that is catching and the most recent sufferers appear to have been staying at the Silver Swan, causing worry for the upper management that it may affect bookings for the upcoming Midsummer season. They are now considering offering their holiday discounts a little early. On the plus side, it might help solve the long term problem of a staffing shortage at Comyn Tower as indicated earlier.
THENDARA TATTLER (The DI's so-called "competition")
Our sources have just learned that Rufus Burdock, owner/publisher of the Thendara Tattler, is under investigation for the alleged misuse of laran to get the inside scoop on breaking stories. The City Guard have arrested several key administrators of his newspaper for questioning by a leronis under truth spell. A high-ranking officer of the City Guard has also confirmed that at least one Guard officer has resigned his position as a result of his superficial investigation of prior reports of illegal mind reading. Additionally, several matrix technicians are being publically expelled from their Towers in disgrace for violating the Monitor's Oath to enter no mind save to help or heal and to enter no unwilling mind. It has also been noted by various citizens appearing before the Cortes that at least one member of that judicial organization has greatly increased her wardrobe. This in turn has led to speculation among the other judges about how she can afford several spider silk robes on a judge's salary. The DI will provide additional information as it is LEGALLY OBTAINED.
Help Wanted
It has come to our attention that business is booming for Banshee Express Company and they are having to turn away delivery orders. We recently learned that a Terran was in need of a computer hard drive for their communication device and had to wait several extra days for it to arrive. If anyone knows of any banshee chicks that can be hand raised as couriers please contact their main address in the Hellers.
If anyone knows the whereabouts of Domna Daimary and her pet banshee Ivan, please have them contact the Banshee Express offices as they may have, er, "work" for Ivan to "contribute" to the next generation of Banshee Express, "employees".
Issue #355, June 13 2011
Testing The Well Water
Our spies in Redil think it is time to test the well water for possible traces of kireseth pollen since Jack and Lauria (the more reasonable members of the house) are agreeing with Becca about the need to flee for their lives. The fact that Becca is even suggesting the idea indicates that there is definitely something to be investigated. Additionally Sorcha who is usually sensible and calm has taken to ranting and raving and is sounding more militant then Becca.
Déjà Vu Again
After finally getting rid of Guildmother Ann it appears that she will be invited to return to Redil again since Sorcha is apparently unable to manage the house. Hopefully this won't prove to be a threat to the two headed boogeyman that was spotted in the vicinity as noted in an earlier edition of this paper.
DI Becomes A Family Affair
It appears that the Unknown Reporter's cousin has been working for the DI for some time now, but the information only came to light recently when the latest payroll was processed on the new system.
We look forward to continuing to see many articles from both these reporters in the future.
Continuing Education Opportunity
Lena will be holding classes on how the give your unruly child *the look.* It might be a good idea if Domna Berena takes the class to help control her noisy brats. Location still to be determined!
Trap Matrix Source Revealed
Rumour has it that the source of the recent trap matrix was a remote control that had been apparently sat on by the Fool of Valeron Plains. It had apparently slipped down between the cushions on the sofa, and was only found when the Tower housekeeper had been gathering up all the missing bits of laundry and thought to clean under the cushions.
It seems the matrix batteries were of the solar variety and were getting some charge from light coming from the vid-matrix as The Fool watched his favourite shows such as "Darkovan Idol" and "You Think You Can Dance As Well As A Darkovan?". By leaving the matrix battery outside and given the weak light coming from the red sun, it should be a long while before it recharges enough to be a recurring problem - and then only if someone happens sits on the remote again!
Book Reviews
The Adore Eternally series is finally returning to its roots after franchise spinoffs made it profitable throughout the galaxy. They are starting a new category: Adore Eternally - The Comyn Touch, with the first book involving MacAran characters. An excerpt from the novel follows:
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"She slowly ran her hand across his broad, strong shoulders and down his heaving sides. He reached over and nuzzled her neck, his breath steaming against her skin. Smiling, she fondled his ears and caressed his handsome face in all its unbridled beauty..." |
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Which would be perfect to set hearts all a-flutter if it wasn't about a young MacAran girl walking with her horse!
Still, there are hopes that the series will encourage young single Comyn ladies who have learned to read to see the benefits of settling down - at the very least with a good book!
Classifieds
After hearing about the demand for Jaco in the Redil Shelterhouse, StarReis is reported to be looking into opening a franchise in the nearby town of Redil. Possible locations being considered are near the clinic to help healers stay awake, or near the wool shop which is run by some of the Jaco-addicted, er, we mean Jaco-appreciative, sisters from the aforementioned Redil Shelterhouse.
Issue #354, 28 May 2011
DI Re-opens for business
After a brief pause while we changed the printer cartridge, the DI is now back in business. Um, don't see Sarah and Gwen around, so they must have just stepped out to the local StarReis for coffee. Hopefully, if they aren't caught in an offshoot of the latest trap matrix, they, or other reporters will stop at the local donut shop and bring back some snacks and extra bags for the Unknown Reporter - who is running low again.
Darn, it looks like we're starting to run low on paper, too...
Meanwhile, our other reporters have been out scooping stories faster than Renunciates can scoop disobedient boys when they are caught peeking in windows...
Redil Shelterhouse Business Opportunity
The staff of the DI suggests that considering how much Jaco the renunciates at Redil have consumed in the last few days that they may want to consider opening a small jaco shop next to the wool shop to help finance their personal jaco consumption. We might also suggest that with the innovative nature of the shelter house that they consider marketing a seasonal drink known as Iced Jaco. Considering the weather in the local area the ice could easily be obtained at no cost allowing the sisters to maximize their profits.
Reasons For Male Age Restrictions In Guild Houses Revealed
Our secret sources in the Comhi Letziis have finally revealed why males over five years old have been banned from the guild houses. It is too stressful for the wee lads and causes them to get ulcers.
Unknown Reporter Bagged
Rumours swirled with more frequency than snowflakes earlier this year when it was believed that the Unknown Reporter had been caught on the job without the traditional paper bag and Foamin' Comyn team hat. It turned out to only be young Amos, collared while peeking in windows while trying to locate his foster mother-to-be.
Or maybe it isn't all it seems to be? We at the DI office never reveal our sources, so the Unknown Reporter will be left to sneak about unrevealed for the time being.
Wait, is that a twig snapping?
Another Creature Sighting
Sightings of a strange creature, tentatively identified as a "two-headed boogeyman" or "Terranan" are being reported near Redil, in the Elhalyn Domain. Given the proximity of the sightings to a large Renunciate household, local officials have expressed concern for the creature's welfare. Hopefully the creature will survive long enough for study to determine if it is familiar with the game of Yahtzee. Bookmakers in Thendara are quoting odds of 4 to 10 in favor of the creature being killed by a weapon and 7 to 10 in favor of it dying from exhaustion if it is a Yahtzee player. Additional research is also being done to determine if the sightings are in any way connected to the recent trap matrix energy released in the area.
Classifieds
Wanted: Paper maker who can supply cotton-based paper for the local rag, er, we mean the esteemed local newspaper, The Darkovan Inquirer.
Drytowners need not apply as there are no eligible girls available for trade at this time.
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